Monday, August 01, 2005

It's Indian Tobacco my friend

Maybe it's just a bad case of the Monday's. But I feel upset and aggrevated and tired. Not a good combo.
Maybe I need a break from this stinkin' hell hole of an office. In fact, that sounds like exactly what I need.
I think I need to go shopping for some confidence. Maybe I should just not concern myself with girls anymore. Do I write this a lot? I just want to know what I am doing wrong.
I think may take a bit of a break from blogging for a while. Catch y'all a little later.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

The Mysterious Production of Eggs

I've wished for so many things over the years. I've wanted more than I've wished. When you stumble upon, or perhaps, when you are given, the thing that shows you how you can have it all or show you what you really want and need, you may often realize how different that things was than what you expected.
Vague huh?

Brenda:"I saw you working on your car the other day"

Last week in work I was notified that my back left tire was flat. Sure enough it was. I took the rest of the day off in order to deal with it. I was outside in the 90+ degree heat and humidity jacking up my car, taking off the flat and replacing it with the donut. It took me a while because the screws and the bolts were stripped somehow even though that is the one tire that hasn't been flat since I've been driving it. It turned out to be more than just patching a tire I later found out and it took about 3 hours for them to work on and fix.

me: "yeah, I had a flat"

my mind "Thanks a lot for talking to me about it 5 days later. Thanks for asking if I needed help. Thanks for acknowledging me when you were out there. BITCH!"

Brenda: "You know, I was thinking...with all of those companies giving the employee pricing you should just get a new car."

me: "yeah, they do seem to be good deals and there are so many companies GM."

my mind: "Oh...gee....what the fuck was I thinking? You are so right. I should just get a new car! Simple as that.Why don't I just take the 5 grand I DON'T have saved up in the bank and put a down payment on a new car! Perhaps you have forgotten but I work in Publishing and make something next to or around pig shit. I can't even pay my regular bills you fucking moron. And you think i should just get a new car? Jesus Christ!"

Who in the blue hell says something like that to someone...especially someone who was once your boss? Apparently a having a flat tire is horrible and I should just get a new car. Because, holy crap, a flat tire is the worst thing ever!!!!

Hey Bob, I saw you were low on gas when we got lunch together. You shoud trade that junker in and get a new one....it's not worth the hassel.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Down By the Waterline

I'm trying to stear away from keeping this just a simple journal of what I've done and am trying to use for some more creative writing and essay-writing on emotions and feelings...mostly because my life is boring and this is here in a public forum so why would I impose my boredom onto others right?
Beyond that, however, this weekend was fucking crazy. Not only did I come through it alive, but I came through it with a positive attitude and feeling good.
Friday starts with Dog trouble and him being sick and a emergency trip to the vet. Luckily I have a roommate that could not only handle it but also handeled the bill temporarily. I can't imagine what it must be like to have kids and have them get sick. My dog is sick and I am beside myself with worry. He was on a bland diet which he seemed to love and some antibiotics.
Friday night drops by and in comes the massively destructive 30 minute thunderstorm. Downed powerlines, downed trees, downed power. Waking up in your own sweat is not always the best way to wake up...and then have it complimented with the complete absense of power. What a fucking joy! I drifted in qand out of sleep for the remainder of the night. Saturday arrives and brings darkness and a friend from PA. We were hoping to be able to watch dvd's but since there was no power, a slight damper was thrown upon those plans. A bike ride insued and we all had a good time. Stopped to have a drink, saw some good art, and had a good time. And just as I rode my bike over the bridge to the parking lot where the cars were I tok a bit of a spill. I layed there on the gravel on my stomach thinking "Jeez...this is embarassing, what the hell?", "I know there are some people who saw that", and "What am I going to do." It actually made me feel like a kid getting all scraped up like that. I just hope that it isn't as bad as it looks. I need my right hand for things like lifting weights and playing with swords and just general things.
Still no power when we return. So instead of igniting our gas range to make some dinner we decided to go out. That was pleasant. Had a few beers, some grub, talked about inane things and rolled back in around midnight. Still no power. We stayed up until about 2:00 at which point the power came back and all of a sudden I could breath again. The absense of power was just a huge inconvenience and proved to be more annoying than problematic. We watched a few dvds and all went to our own private sleepylands.
Sunday rolled in with nice weather and a dog who as quite chipper. My friend left for PA and my roommate and I hit the gym. Upon completion of the gym and another dog walk and dinner, I was consumed with exhaustion.
So, it had it's ups and downs and here I am...back at work. I wonder if that cute intern will be in today.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Let Us Pause In Life's Pleasure

Too often do I complain about being alone and lonely. Walking through the streets of DC and through others lives leaving no footprints, or so it seems.
I've prayed so many nights for so many things and one thing I always asked for used to be to help me find that person who I will love and will love me back. I've been so sad and depressed for not finding it or for it not being given to me. I used to think that I was being punished for not doing certain things or acting certain ways towards other people; karma in a sense.
While being discouraged from that idea from friends and books, I think I have stumbled onto something that maybe be true and closer to that idea but in a more positive way.
I need to realize what my actions bring to my friends. By that I mean, the things I am doing, are they causing hurt, pain, pleasure, etc. I liked to think I was so aware of myself and people around me and that I was doing only good. But in recent light I've been proven quite wrong. Things I've done, secrets I've tried to keep, etc., have only hurt people. and while not intentional, they still cut nonetheless. Perhaps the wound is worse when it is from a dull blade.
I look at the things I've done and hope my friends, if they still consider themselves that, can forgive me and let me prove to them that I'm sorry and will change. I think that sometimes I get so mired down in doing what I think is proper and fair, that I forget about my job as a friend. And if I can't be a good friend to people, what business do I have complaining about not having a girlfriend. Why would I want to bring another person into the fold just to hurt. No! It's better that I've not had a lot of luck in that department and not caused any more pain than I already have to anymore people than I already have. I think that it has been kept from me for a reason. Not as a punishment but more like a inheritance. Once I'm more mature and can handle the responsibility without the more-defintite outcome being pain and hurt is when I will start to do better with the ladies...so to speak.
"Let he that is without sin cast the first stone"
Well, I am mired in sin. My arms are weary from hurling stones at everyone else for what they are doing to me. My pedastal has crumbled beneath me. It's time I pick up what I've thrown, fore, those stones are my sins.
I am a constant victim of my own pride and righteousness. I have been down certian roads before. I guess they just put up new road names and I forget that I've been down them before.
Being human and making mistakes is what we all do. I remind myself of that. But it is not an excuse to hurt others. And if we do hurt others, then how do we make it right? Is there a band aid with neosporin for the soul? I feel like a bad person and feel like I need to find those i've wronged and make ammends...like those 12 step programs. However, is that more for starting anew, a new life, so you have no more obstacles in your new sober lifestyle? I don't want to make ammends purely for myself. I just don't want to hurt my friends anymore...or anyone else for that matter.
It feels like most of my relationsips are rocky and full of cracks. And that is what I've considered to be normal? Man, am I fucked up!

Monday, July 18, 2005

db cooper

god damnit! I need to eat some crabs, or crab cakes or some fuckin' type of crab or lobster product with old bay seasoning!

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Quicksand and Earthquakes

The air was so thick with smog that the thought of going outside made his lungs ache. But he was going to meet her for coffee. Her, another chance, a different opportunity, a new person. New new new.
He arrived late. You can't get anywhere in this town unless you leave over an hour ealry he thought to himself. His mind was filled with the frustraions of getting there like parking, being cut off, and jay walkers.
He slowly walked down the sidewalk to the main street where all the bars and resturaunts are. The frustrations started to gradually fall away with each step. As he approached he saw her. She was sitting with her back to the window but he could tell it was her. Her dark nealry jet black hair that normally fell slightly below her shoulders but this time was pulled back in a pony tail. Her pearl bra straps that peeked out from her black spaghetti strap shirt were pointed to by the wisps of hair that weren't pulled into the pony tail or had fallen out at some point. Her slim shoulders and thin neck. Her thin neck. A neck he has thought of kissing since he first saw her. He has thought about the taste. He thought about having her back pressed up against him and how he would gently wrap his arms around her and how she would feel safe and warm inside his arms. His arms.
He walked in a she noticed him right away. While he was reasonably sure it was the bell that rings whenever someone enters the joint, he imagined that she was waiting patiently for him and with everyperson that came in before him she would look up to see.
She smiled. Her smile.
His heart stopped.
His legs frozen.
He was paralyzed for a split second.
He thought how wonderful it felt to be here in the glow of her smile on a hot and humid summer evening in the middle of June.
With great trepedation and focus he walked slowly over to where she sat. She stood up and put her arms around him. Her arms. His warm breath being pressed upon her neck. The smell of her hair...like she just took a shower, full of warmth and dew. He thought he might loose control. He wanted to.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Broken like the windows in the house that I used to live

It seems like there is so much horror and sadness floating around these days. Both personally and globally. The microcosm in the macrocosm.

Today there were Terrorist attacks in London. At the time I am writing this there are 33 confirmed dead and hundeds injured. These attacks were done by group(s) similar to Al Quaeda. I wish I had never heard of that name. Contrary to what that asshole Bush says, it doesn't feel like we've won anything. We as in a global community. Not "we" as in the US. Because, contrary to what a lot of Americans think, we are that. We are all sitting ducks. We are all humans. Just because we live in a huge consumer-based society and we live under the guise of freedom does not make us better than anyone else. This is not just London's concern....like 9/11 was not just our concern. This is all of our concern. What can we do as a global community to squash these maniacs? How long will it take before we rise up against this? Does every major city in the union need to be hit before we band together in the name of something greater than politics?

Are we winning anything? If so, what? We are destracted by politics and are losing human beings. What have we lost?