Thanksgiving Weekend

It's Indian Tobacco my friend

2005-08-01T11:23:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's just a bad case of the Monday's. But I feel upset and aggrevated and tired. Not a good combo.
Maybe I need a break from this stinkin' hell hole of an office. In fact, that sounds like exactly what I need.
I think I need to go shopping for some confidence. Maybe I should just not concern myself with girls anymore. Do I write this a lot? I just want to know what I am doing wrong.
I think may take a bit of a break from blogging for a while. Catch y'all a little later.

The Mysterious Production of Eggs

2005-07-27T12:44:00.000-07:00

I've wished for so many things over the years. I've wanted more than I've wished. When you stumble upon, or perhaps, when you are given, the thing that shows you how you can have it all or show you what you really want and need, you may often realize how different that things was than what you expected.
Vague huh?

Brenda:"I saw you working on your car the other day"

Last week in work I was notified that my back left tire was flat. Sure enough it was. I took the rest of the day off in order to deal with it. I was outside in the 90+ degree heat and humidity jacking up my car, taking off the flat and replacing it with the donut. It took me a while because the screws and the bolts were stripped somehow even though that is the one tire that hasn't been flat since I've been driving it. It turned out to be more than just patching a tire I later found out and it took about 3 hours for them to work on and fix.

me: "yeah, I had a flat"

my mind "Thanks a lot for talking to me about it 5 days later. Thanks for asking if I needed help. Thanks for acknowledging me when you were out there. BITCH!"

Brenda: "You know, I was thinking...with all of those companies giving the employee pricing you should just get a new car."

me: "yeah, they do seem to be good deals and there are so many companies GM."

my mind: "Oh...gee....what the fuck was I thinking? You are so right. I should just get a new car! Simple as that.Why don't I just take the 5 grand I DON'T have saved up in the bank and put a down payment on a new car! Perhaps you have forgotten but I work in Publishing and make something next to or around pig shit. I can't even pay my regular bills you fucking moron. And you think i should just get a new car? Jesus Christ!"

Who in the blue hell says something like that to someone...especially someone who was once your boss? Apparently a having a flat tire is horrible and I should just get a new car. Because, holy crap, a flat tire is the worst thing ever!!!!

Hey Bob, I saw you were low on gas when we got lunch together. You shoud trade that junker in and get a new one....it's not worth the hassel.

Down By the Waterline

2005-07-25T07:10:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to stear away from keeping this just a simple journal of what I've done and am trying to use for some more creative writing and essay-writing on emotions and feelings...mostly because my life is boring and this is here in a public forum so why would I impose my boredom onto others right?
Beyond that, however, this weekend was fucking crazy. Not only did I come through it alive, but I came through it with a positive attitude and feeling good.
Friday starts with Dog trouble and him being sick and a emergency trip to the vet. Luckily I have a roommate that could not only handle it but also handeled the bill temporarily. I can't imagine what it must be like to have kids and have them get sick. My dog is sick and I am beside myself with worry. He was on a bland diet which he seemed to love and some antibiotics.
Friday night drops by and in comes the massively destructive 30 minute thunderstorm. Downed powerlines, downed trees, downed power. Waking up in your own sweat is not always the best way to wake up...and then have it complimented with the complete absense of power. What a fucking joy! I drifted in qand out of sleep for the remainder of the night. Saturday arrives and brings darkness and a friend from PA. We were hoping to be able to watch dvd's but since there was no power, a slight damper was thrown upon those plans. A bike ride insued and we all had a good time. Stopped to have a drink, saw some good art, and had a good time. And just as I rode my bike over the bridge to the parking lot where the cars were I tok a bit of a spill. I layed there on the gravel on my stomach thinking "Jeez...this is embarassing, what the hell?", "I know there are some people who saw that", and "What am I going to do." It actually made me feel like a kid getting all scraped up like that. I just hope that it isn't as bad as it looks. I need my right hand for things like lifting weights and playing with swords and just general things.
Still no power when we return. So instead of igniting our gas range to make some dinner we decided to go out. That was pleasant. Had a few beers, some grub, talked about inane things and rolled back in around midnight. Still no power. We stayed up until about 2:00 at which point the power came back and all of a sudden I could breath again. The absense of power was just a huge inconvenience and proved to be more annoying than problematic. We watched a few dvds and all went to our own private sleepylands.
Sunday rolled in with nice weather and a dog who as quite chipper. My friend left for PA and my roommate and I hit the gym. Upon completion of the gym and another dog walk and dinner, I was consumed with exhaustion.
So, it had it's ups and downs and here I am...back at work. I wonder if that cute intern will be in today.

Let Us Pause In Life's Pleasure

2005-07-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

Too often do I complain about being alone and lonely. Walking through the streets of DC and through others lives leaving no footprints, or so it seems.
I've prayed so many nights for so many things and one thing I always asked for used to be to help me find that person who I will love and will love me back. I've been so sad and depressed for not finding it or for it not being given to me. I used to think that I was being punished for not doing certain things or acting certain ways towards other people; karma in a sense.
While being discouraged from that idea from friends and books, I think I have stumbled onto something that maybe be true and closer to that idea but in a more positive way.
I need to realize what my actions bring to my friends. By that I mean, the things I am doing, are they causing hurt, pain, pleasure, etc. I liked to think I was so aware of myself and people around me and that I was doing only good. But in recent light I've been proven quite wrong. Things I've done, secrets I've tried to keep, etc., have only hurt people. and while not intentional, they still cut nonetheless. Perhaps the wound is worse when it is from a dull blade.
I look at the things I've done and hope my friends, if they still consider themselves that, can forgive me and let me prove to them that I'm sorry and will change. I think that sometimes I get so mired down in doing what I think is proper and fair, that I forget about my job as a friend. And if I can't be a good friend to people, what business do I have complaining about not having a girlfriend. Why would I want to bring another person into the fold just to hurt. No! It's better that I've not had a lot of luck in that department and not caused any more pain than I already have to anymore people than I already have. I think that it has been kept from me for a reason. Not as a punishment but more like a inheritance. Once I'm more mature and can handle the responsibility without the more-defintite outcome being pain and hurt is when I will start to do better with the ladies...so to speak.
"Let he that is without sin cast the first stone"
Well, I am mired in sin. My arms are weary from hurling stones at everyone else for what they are doing to me. My pedastal has crumbled beneath me. It's time I pick up what I've thrown, fore, those stones are my sins.
I am a constant victim of my own pride and righteousness. I have been down certian roads before. I guess they just put up new road names and I forget that I've been down them before.
Being human and making mistakes is what we all do. I remind myself of that. But it is not an excuse to hurt others. And if we do hurt others, then how do we make it right? Is there a band aid with neosporin for the soul? I feel like a bad person and feel like I need to find those i've wronged and make ammends...like those 12 step programs. However, is that more for starting anew, a new life, so you have no more obstacles in your new sober lifestyle? I don't want to make ammends purely for myself. I just don't want to hurt my friends anymore...or anyone else for that matter.
It feels like most of my relationsips are rocky and full of cracks. And that is what I've considered to be normal? Man, am I fucked up!

db cooper

2005-07-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

god damnit! I need to eat some crabs, or crab cakes or some fuckin' type of crab or lobster product with old bay seasoning!

Quicksand and Earthquakes

2005-07-13T12:32:00.000-07:00

The air was so thick with smog that the thought of going outside made his lungs ache. But he was going to meet her for coffee. Her, another chance, a different opportunity, a new person. New new new.
He arrived late. You can't get anywhere in this town unless you leave over an hour ealry he thought to himself. His mind was filled with the frustraions of getting there like parking, being cut off, and jay walkers.
He slowly walked down the sidewalk to the main street where all the bars and resturaunts are. The frustrations started to gradually fall away with each step. As he approached he saw her. She was sitting with her back to the window but he could tell it was her. Her dark nealry jet black hair that normally fell slightly below her shoulders but this time was pulled back in a pony tail. Her pearl bra straps that peeked out from her black spaghetti strap shirt were pointed to by the wisps of hair that weren't pulled into the pony tail or had fallen out at some point. Her slim shoulders and thin neck. Her thin neck. A neck he has thought of kissing since he first saw her. He has thought about the taste. He thought about having her back pressed up against him and how he would gently wrap his arms around her and how she would feel safe and warm inside his arms. His arms.
He walked in a she noticed him right away. While he was reasonably sure it was the bell that rings whenever someone enters the joint, he imagined that she was waiting patiently for him and with everyperson that came in before him she would look up to see.
She smiled. Her smile.
His heart stopped.
His legs frozen.
He was paralyzed for a split second.
He thought how wonderful it felt to be here in the glow of her smile on a hot and humid summer evening in the middle of June.
With great trepedation and focus he walked slowly over to where she sat. She stood up and put her arms around him. Her arms. His warm breath being pressed upon her neck. The smell of her hair...like she just took a shower, full of warmth and dew. He thought he might loose control. He wanted to.

Broken like the windows in the house that I used to live

2005-07-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

It seems like there is so much horror and sadness floating around these days. Both personally and globally. The microcosm in the macrocosm.

Today there were Terrorist attacks in London. At the time I am writing this there are 33 confirmed dead and hundeds injured. These attacks were done by group(s) similar to Al Quaeda. I wish I had never heard of that name. Contrary to what that asshole Bush says, it doesn't feel like we've won anything. We as in a global community. Not "we" as in the US. Because, contrary to what a lot of Americans think, we are that. We are all sitting ducks. We are all humans. Just because we live in a huge consumer-based society and we live under the guise of freedom does not make us better than anyone else. This is not just London's concern....like 9/11 was not just our concern. This is all of our concern. What can we do as a global community to squash these maniacs? How long will it take before we rise up against this? Does every major city in the union need to be hit before we band together in the name of something greater than politics?

Are we winning anything? If so, what? We are destracted by politics and are losing human beings. What have we lost?

Rattle like a humming bird humming

2005-06-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

I read "missed connections" and "I saw You's" in various papers and websites from time to time. I read for two reasons; one being that maybe someone saw me. I think that would be pretty nice to have someone be enamored with just the sight of me and want to meet me or describe how my smile made their day. Hasn't happenned yet. The second reason is that I find a lot of hope there. Aside from some of the more randy sections, the idea of two people finding each other through words and a brief fleeting moment is kind of magical. It has to happen! These things had to have worked at some point even if they don't work all the time.

I've also been thinking about how I would describe myself. A lot of those community websites and even internet dating sites ask you to write about yourself...you know, what makes you you.

Well, here goes.

I am 5'7". I am approx. 140-5 lbs. I hope to put on a bit more lean muscle and take off some fat, but essentially remain around the same weight. I have dirty blond hair. It is brown when I put pomade into my wet hair but startelingly blond when I don't. I like to keep my facial hair trimmed and often keep what are referred to as mutton chops or just a thin beard. Without facial hair I tend to look closer to 16 than 26.
I am a neurotic romantic. I stress about nearly everything and analyze it all till I'm sick of myself. That rarely helps and usually just makes me a little crazy. I like the idea of love and falling in it, but am cynical in reality. I believe that I could be romantic and be spontaneuous if I found the person that would want me to be that. I believe in human potential and get frustrated and angry with others who settle with mediocrity or something even lower. I was in the hospital so much as a child and missed out on quite a bit of school. So much so that I never quite fit in. This is something that plagues me to this day. I am not good in social situations and often find comfort in the most solitary place I can find. That would be the physical manifestation of how I'm feeling. Get it?
I am a sharp dresser. I don't know if that matters. I was a forerunner in the wrist band movement of 2002. I listened to Modest Mouse in art classes in college before thirteen year old girls started requesting Float On, on the radio.
I don't read as much as I'd like to but do read more than some people I know. I have an addictive personality. My main addiction is music. I buy..or get more music than I can listen to. I feel as if I need it to live.
I am a pretty decent cook. I'm not fond of baking, however.
I struggle daily with the idea of what I want...or the general idea of wanting. I am trying to give that up in favor of a lifestyle/mindset that is based on serving others and God. No, I'm not a jesus freak. No, I'm not a born again. I just hit a personal low a while ago and found that having faith in something bigger than me helps as well as being able to talk to that person anytime and tell them things that you have never told anyone, or have always wanted to tell someone.
I belong to the new and spreading iPod nation.
I've grown to like scarf's as daily accessories in the winter. I don;t like wearing shorts except when I work out or walk the dog. I don't flip the collar up of my polo shirts. I wish I needed glasses and hope someday I will. When i was younger, I wished my name was Scott.
I know I am destined for greatness. I wonder what my greatness will be.

Cannonball Days

2005-06-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

A morning that is just somehow better than the previous. Despite all the frustrations and tiredness waking up can bring, it was quickly quelled with your gaze.
Passing in one lane and glancing over but speeding so I couldn't double take. Does she really look like that, I thought to myself. By our bumper stickers I could tell musically we could be in harmony. She caught up to me and looked over and I think she smiled. I think. I hope she did.
She drove off. A quick meeting and she was gone. My idiot smile wrapped itself around my face and wouldn't let me go until I sat down at my desk and began to get mired down in the morning drudgery that is work.
Please pass me again spikey haired girl in the red boxy car on Rt. 50 and smile at me to get my morning started right.

holyghost

2005-06-23T13:29:00.000-07:00

"Everybody needs a place to rest, everybody needs to have a home"

Every morning, as I leave for work I walk down the side pathway/stairway to my car, I wiggle and contort myself while walking through a mess of vines and overgrown bushes. What once was quaint and nice looking is now a tangle of bee and wasp ridden overgrowth that would be more suitable to be cut down by a machette than a pruner.

I guess that's how it is sometimes with people as well.

Somewhere Only We Know

2005-06-21T11:57:00.000-07:00

This is a little ting that became a collaborative piece between a friend and I. It begins with his writing. Each voice changes after an elipses.

I dreamed I had woken in a wood, and set my feet upon a misted path twining its negligent way among the trees. The clouds were low and heavy, so that the time of day or evening could not be guessed. The boughs were wet, labored leaves dropping water to their underlevels and my footfalls were silent on the crosshatched pine needle forest floor. The scent of wet rotted wood was masking my nostrils and I breathed through my mouth. Not a thing stirred. No bird nor rodent was descernable, and I knew, rather, felt, none were there.

My shirt hung close to my skin and my hair laid on my scalp heavy and dank. there was not a snatch of breeze. I trod on seeing little and hearing nothing apart from the rutsle of my clothing, and an irregular waterdrop.

...

Whilst the time of day could not be guessed, what was known was that a terrible storm had swept through. The silence after the storm. The glimpses of purplish grey sky through the trees fortold of a horrible battle between thunder and lightening that had just ceased, yet still giving nothing as to the time. The storm must have passed with great speed and ferocity. Such speed never does much for ridding the wood of such thick humidity, but often merely adds to it. And with every step I took and every beed of sweat I dripped my shirt and my skin became almost inseperable and I began to grow weary under the weight of the air.

With the haze of sweat and mist and possibly fever upon me I began to see phantoms in the mist.

...

I blinked my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose between thumb and forefinger. My eyelids were thick, like slabs of raw meat, and they pressed on my eyes, crowding my sinuses and touching off a dull ache. I peered out past the sweat and mist at fleeting forms, half there, colorles and soundless. I shivered and rubbed my hands on my upperarms, feeling a chill despite the oppresive weather. My steps became trepidatious and I vainly tried to follow and make sense of these spectres. As I plodded onward I passed though swaths of chill air, tendrils winnowing through the mist. It was not air moving, but small cables of cold that , as I walked, wrapped about my chest, neck and arms.

I staggered as I nearly walked into the half seen, half felt phantoms. It thrust toward me as I stuttered back, and I divined the form of protruding vacant eyes and a gaping maw lined with two or more ranks of arrowhead teeth. I clutched at my chest with one hand and covered my throat with the other.

...

My footing was that of a drunk and I began to stagger backwards, unbalanced and unsure. I fell to the pine needle floorbed. After what seemed like minutes, I remembered why I was paralyzed with fear. My eyes darted around searching for forms within the mists. Lies! Trees, bramble, rocks were the only things I could know for sure. With my arms frozen and my feet bolted to the moist ground I found myself still unable to rise even in the absense of the phantom beast. The tentacle like cables of chill began to move upward from my chest and around my throat and my eyes. Knowing only my touch and without sight I made a whole-hearted attempt to stand.

The “caw” of a raven. The slight breeze calling, haunting me through the pines. My skin awash in goose flesh. I longed for the return of the beast through the annals of the fog.

...

What maddness was upon me? I lay there, stiff, my limbs caught in panic. My breath misted out my mouth in furious gasps, my nostrils quivered. I pressed my twitching hands down agains tthe earth and, with great effort, levered my shoulders off the earth. My arms trembled, either with fear or the effort of holding myself upright, I did not know. All about the forest loomed, larger, darker. The pines were black towers, blotting out the sky, malevolent and sinister, crowding, hedging, trapping. The pine needles were sharp and dry like rotted hide.

I swallowed hard, with difficulty and threw myself forward onto my knees.

...

I tried blinking several times as if that might help me waken, or at the very least free myself from my fear-gripped paralysis. Every time my lids closed, I my thoughts drifted off to Them. To the creekbed from my childhood. To the grey wooden stables. Tears began to well up and started slowly down my face. These phantom memories were of no use to me here.

My hand twitched in spasm. It had been resting upon the broadside of a larger stone. Barely able to make out it's entirety I grasped it with what little strength I could muster and threw it into the darkness that loomed before me.

...

My mind reeled and all sense of space and weight left me. It was if I was falling with that rock, through black caverns and pasing into a jagged abyss. Lightning flashed in my brain as I struck - or was I struck? - ground. Dazed and disoriented, I clambered to my hands and knees and vomited.I felt thick water running down my forehead and nose and in between my lips. The liquid was coppery in taste - it was my blood.

As the realization struck me, icy panic clenched my heart and the blood began to pour out my forehead faster and faster.

Architecture in Helsinke

2005-06-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

Weekend:

Friday: I went out and had a few drinks with the roommate. Went all around U St. Talked to some people, but didn't make too late of a night out of it.

Saturday: Went for a good long bike ride. Beautiful day. Went to a friends bbq back on/around U St. Enjoyed seeing her and meeting a few people. However, out of the 20 or so people that were there, I was only introduced to about two people and no one seemed to want to extend themselves beyond there existing conversations to make someone feel welcome. But quite the opposite actually. I felt alienated. So rather than staying there, I left after about 45 minutes. I decided to clear my head of that I could use a drink. St Ex was too white and crowded for me. So I went back to the Black Cat. I met some interesting people; someone from an area in PA close to where I'm from and a radio/audio engineer who works primarily for a radio show on books. He was thrilled when he found out what I do for a living and we exchanged business cards. So, while I'm certainly not holding my breath, I could scrore an interview on the radio! I proceeded to get a little drunk. It didn't make me feel better from being alienated.

Sunday: I woke early with a tiny bit of a hangover. Remember in the last blog or two ago I resloved to stop wasting my time on activities that would take me away from a more spiritual mindset? Well, drinking is one of them. I need to really be more aware of how much and in what state I'm in. Because once I've had enough, my mind turns to things like "man, I really want to screw her, or ..." or "man, I'm s so tired, I don't have the energy to go home and pray or read the bible."
Got brunch at a local (somewhat) tavern. It was great...great start to the morning. Picked up two awesome tuna steaks and a big fillet of salmon. Then, went to look at the Golds Gym. What a great gym! Not like that crap at Trinity. So, I emptied the contents of my wallet and paid the initial fee with some quarters, a metro pass, some lint, two reciepts, and a pack of gum, and an IOU for the rest! So I am now at a new gym which will also give good cause to not drink so much anyway. Met a friend for dinner out in VA at Cafe Asia. Really good place. I had my first Thai Ice Tea. It was delicous.

Realized that I am one of those guys that develops feelings for girls too quickly and is weird. Need to calm the hell down. Don't want to be a freak anymore.

Finally have some stuff ready to make some new drawings. Gonna do some watercolor sketches though, first. And really work on it, not just jump into it. I'm excited about that.

No open mic tonight. I'm opting for the thing that is already paid for...the gym!

Ths weekend was expensive. I need to slow my spending down. Learned or at least reminded myself that booze won't make me feel better after being in a uncomfortable social situation. Talking to people is fun. My room is clean...or at least organized. I was all over this weekend, locationally and emotionally.

Oh yeah, and I recieved the vindication I so desired. And, I don't care. That's all I'm going to speak of it again. I don't think it was a waste of time, just need to work on being a little more picky. I don't need to settle for things. And I won't.

in the future age

2005-06-16T12:26:00.000-07:00

a low point. one of those where you feel lonely. One where you feel you will always be lonely. Too much good news from other people reminding me that I'm very much alone. Too many words from those whom I wish would leave me alone.

an angry mood. so angry that I want to tell everyone exactly what I think of them. So angry that I want to hurt other people by cutting them with my words and give them the dull ache that comes with no longer having a friend in their life. So angry that I want to shove peoples faces into their own reflection and force them to see that they are hypcrites and force them into seeing their true self.

I need to focus on what I have and not what I don't have. But it is tough because the things that I lack is what I want the most. It is what I need to live. I'm so tired of being alone. Where is the person who wants to walk with me.

Silver Palomino

2005-06-14T08:39:00.000-07:00

"Mother, still your tears, for remember the soul of the universe willed a world and it appeared."

I haven't written in a while for a reason. I wanted to let things build up in order to have something to write about. I haven't been up to much. I'm trying to get ready to start on a new self-portrait. Everytime I pray and ask God what it is he wants me to do, the first thing that hits me is to draw. And if that is the case, then I need to get started. I don't want to sit by anymore..

I missed two shows this weekend. Old 97's were playing at 9:30, and Eli Cook at the Austin Grill. Instead I opted to see Star Wars in Friday night and go to a friends party on Sat. Ugh....maybe the last 30 minutes were kind of worthwhile. The rest of it was garbage! This last sentence refers to Star Wars. Not the party.

I'm currently working on doing several things:
1. I have unresolved anger issues with some people. It seems as if there is nothing I can do to get the answers I need. And I'm apparently not going to get through to these people. And communication is not desired from the other party. So, there is nothing I can do. I need to let it go. It is tough to let go of a feeling that you've been wronged. But, I don't know what I would want from another person to make me feel better or vindicated. So, it just doesn't matter anymore. Or I'm trying to believe that anyway.

2. I have a lot of anger in general at the world around me. Every morning it feels like drivers are against me, work is against me, my dog is plotting against me...just kidding about the dog thing. But it just doesn't help anything. It just makes me into a big jerk.

3. I don't want to waste my time anymore. Don't want to waste it on activities that are going to take me away from a more spiritual mindset, from doing what I should be doing, and don't want to waste time on people who pull me in other directions. I know I've written that before. But sometimes people pop up here and there and you realize that this thing still affects you.

It's frustrating and hurtfull when someone's actions proves how insignificant you are in their lives at any point. My voice, to some people means nothing. I don't know why I still let that bother me. I guess it is because I try to be thoguhtful in what I have to talk with people about. And when the most common decency of listening is not reciprocated, it makes me feel like a big jerk for even opening my damn mouth. See...anger!

Are aquaintences worthwhile?

Getting Better All the Time

2005-06-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

This won't be a blog about what I want. Wanting has and will only breed discontent...how buddhist of me eh? This will be a blog about what I will be.
A blog about who I am and will be.
I have dreams enough for one says the song lyric. I am not content with parts of my life. Thus, a change is needed. A new career. New walls...or no walls. A place to go to 8 hours a day and be given a chance to think in new ways and work with people rather than feel like I'm working against people or just manipulating what's already been done. A new salary. One that is an equal compensation for my skills. Not one that limits me or destroys my work ethic. I am about to pounce. just a bit longer...

I will be a person to stand up for himself. To admit mistakes but not have them held against me. I will not be a door matte any longer. I will be polite, like Pat Swayze in Road House. But I will not back down like Tom Petty.. I am not going to be crazy anymore like I've been. I will not open up to anyone too soon. I am going to be the living picture of myself that I've had in my head for so long.

I will be loved. I will give love. To that one incredible someone. This person must be incredible if I haven't found them yet. Imagine all those times you thought you were in love or at the very least thought you were in the stages of falling in love only to find that it didn't work out. Imagine how good the beginnings always felt. Imagine that person who with everyday is a beginning. Imagine the magnitude of how much love that is. Imagine also that it is the same for the other person. I look forward to meeting you.

I will be quiet in tone but loud through my work. I will play and sing with my heart on my sleeve. I will get up everyday working towards being this person. I will trip and stumble. I will even fall.But I will always get back up and move forward. There will be no more days of looking back. Of wishing for alternate reactions or scenarios. There will only be lessons learned and knowledge gained. This isn't about pride. This is about working to be a good person with and through God.

In another's words I will "eliminate" those who will try and take me away from this person. Those who pull me in other ways and will not support me. To you all I wish you well. May the sun shine in your front door.

I will be a better son. I will be a better brother. I will be a better person. I will be better with you or without you. Which will it be?

Caravan

2005-06-06T11:02:00.000-07:00

It is so hot outside today. There are supposed to be storms tonight and tomorrow which may hopefully eliviate the humidity.
But today feels like the first day of summer for me. Hot, sunny, and molten lava inside the car.
But upon driving to pick up lunch I found the happiness of the summer. I felt good and warm and let the memories of summers past and the rememberance of the heat fill me. I usually hate the summer because it gets so warm and humid that breathing is often laborsome and coupled with my already laborsome breathing it becomes tough to exist sometimes.
It also is easier to eat better in the summer. I had some cheese and crackers, fresh fruit, and yogurt. I also bought some protein bars for snacks. I don't need to feel weighed down or like meat and dairy products are rotting in me. I feel awake and warm.
I'm struggling with getting into this Mason Jennings album "Century Spring."

Killers Creek

2005-06-06T06:48:00.000-07:00

Did you ever have a weekend that changes your outlook on things? Where you second guess all the things you've thought were bad? Where you realize the wasted energy in feeling bad about things?
That was this weekend. Despite a few unpleastentrees like standing on the train coming back from NYC for a few hours, they were overshadowed by the utter pleasantness of the weekend.
Discovered the Regal Cinema in Chinatown. I had no idea this place existed! But it puts Union Station to shame and all of its homeless and swarthy inhabitants. Perhaps it was the heartwarming Cinderella Man that affected me, or that and the way the sun hit the buildings in that part of town upon leaving the theatre. The way it is chilly in the theatre and how the warm glow and standing heat of a summer night envelop you as you leave. The feeling of sitting outside and having a few cool drinks to cut the heat. What a way to end a weekend!
I didn't venture into the city too much this weekend! I was tired from running around the past weekends and this past week. But maybe it was the idillic setting of Sunday evening but i saw this city anew this weekend. My problems seemed smaller. The solutions seemed more accessible.
I think I'm going to play at open mic tonight. Come out if you can.

messed up like a father

2005-06-02T11:41:00.000-07:00

He sat down on the first step, put his chin in his hands and stared into the distance. The dust consumed him. All he could see was varying shades of brown and yellows. His eyes started to tear from the all the dirt being stirred up by the oncoming storm.
His ribbed undershirt had come loose from his pants and the bottom lightly rested on the concrete. His slacks, with the tattered cuffs, were pulled upwards so that his tan socks were exposed.
To his left was a bottle of imported Belgian ale from which he would sip. He wanted to savor it and drink it slowly. It was the last bottle from the six pack that he bought with his holiday raise.
The sun was moving behind the clouds and the darkness of dusk was setting in. His only comforting thought was that it would all be over soon.

Song for the Dying (cont'd)

2005-06-01T08:33:00.000-07:00

They quietly finished their coffee. Little bits of conversation falling out of their mouths like the top of a crumb cake. He smoked two more cigarettes before they parted ways that evening. He regretted his last cigarette.

They made their way through their typical conversational hurtles; if either of them is doing any traveling,listening to any new music, etc. He already knew the answers to his questions to her. Did she think about him at all or care to remember things he's written in past emails? She's doing just as good of a job at not letting on if she does remember.

Before he knows it they both are giving their barely touching hugs to say goodbye.The kind of hug where only your shoulders can touch. Where there seems to be an inch thick forcefield all around the person with the ending resulting in a quick pat on the back or a gentle rub. No facial contact, no part of the body touching below the shoulders. He can't help but breathe in when he is so close to her. But her perfume won't last long on his memory, as he is the furthest thing from her. He knows it. So does she.

Before he notices, she is dissappearing in the rain drenched air and is lost in a sea of pizza slice signs and carribbean food joints. He has no umbrella. By the time he gets to his car he is soaked. The memory has bled from his memory like a girls phone number on a matchbook that has been pulled out of your jeans hip pocket after it is sitting in the washing machine.

...

He gets in the car and just stairs at the rain hitting his windsheild. The darkness is feeling so heavy that his stomach starts to feel uneasy. What's worse is that he knows that there will be no cure from this darkness tonight. He knows te outcome. He is going to go home, drink whiskey, smoke the rest of his camels, and fall asleep in his clothes...alone...again.

He thinks of that movie he has never seen. Would things be any different if he wasn't born? What if he had a different childhood? Would he be happy now?He closes his eyes, tilts his head toward the roof of the car and exhales slowly. Forcing all the remaining smoke in his lungs out. He coughs hard. So hard his lungs hurt. He opens his eyes and notices a small spatter of blood on his windsheild. Did he just cough that up? "I really should stop smoking" he thinks to himself as he looks down at his three remaining fags.

He inserts the key into the ignition, turns, the engine sputters and eventually turns over. The drivers side window shatters sending shards of glass into his car. "Get the fuck out!" the man says. "Go fuck yourself" the driver says."

Flying Demos

2005-05-31T06:23:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was not quite what I was expecting. While visiting my parents was nice enough it didn't fill me with the typical recharged feeling I normally have. I left feeling annoyed and closer to how I felt when I left Saturday morning. I'm not sure why this happenned. I guess everything was rushed this weekend and there wasn't enough time to soak it in. I think that making a trip just to see friends will be i order the next time I make my way up there.
The majority of Saturday was spent with my Dad. It was nice. We played pitch-and-put, went out to dinner, went to a record store, had coffee. I guess that when I spend too much time with him I start to feel like a child again. He is the one who doesn't want his children to grow up. So it is sort of an inevitable feelign around him.
Sunday was spent watching my mother and her husband clean the house and start preparing for the bbq/party they were having. It was a nice enough time. Everyone but me got really drunk. My brother was incredibly nice to me which made me think I have some incurable fatal illness that everyone knows about except me. I was able to spend about two hours with some good friends before I left fot DC at midnight.
Monday was pretty good. I got a little extra sleep. While I was quite annoyed with my lazy self, I was able to get it off my chest and bitch to my roommate. Actually, I felt better after that. Then in order to get out of the house, my roommy and I went on a long ass bike ride! Stopped an got lunch in the circle and then headed back. I was so freakin exhausted! I think that really helped. I was so focussed on riding that all of that other crap dissappeared...kind of like what happens in kendo. I was able to relax for the rest of the evening until I started to work on my computer. I found out that I can record myself through a certain program, and then export it into iTunes and then make an mp3 of it and bring it into Garage Band and work on it more. It was great. The built in mic is really good and the playback is pretty good. I'm thinking of trying to add some drums and maybe layer a few guitar tracks and maybe even try some harmony. I'm really excited about this. Get ready world! My demo will be out soon!!!

a song for the dying

2005-05-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

"Love is a fucking farce!"

Just as he said this he felt like taking it back. It was years of acceptance and years of being treated like garbage, and years of feeling inconsequential that made him vomit up such a hateful thing to her.

They were having such a lovely conversation prior to that moment. She was telling him how she was seeing this guy. He lives in New York and she really likes him and thinks she might be falling for him. Those were her words. He was mentioning to her about how he is working on a new body of work to start submitting to galleries in the area. She always tells him how his work is great and that he should have no trouble getting in.

Secretly he thinks to himself how all of his work is over 2 years old and that he hasn't made anything of value or imporatance in the past two years. He keeps that to himself.

But, back to that moment. Upon saying that he looked directly at her and saw a bit of pain wince through her face. She looked down into her vanilla latté and took a sip. He looked out the window deciding weather or not to apologize for what he had just said, to justify it, or to let it stand there like a beacon for all he stands for. But he was sitting. And quite close to her. He looked back at her and said "And I also hate fucking balloons, happiness, little children, and puppies." It was too late though. She laughed...but not a real laugh. More of a polite laugh...a British laugh.

He polished of his coffee, took a long drag on his cigarette, and just let the sound of the local bakery fill his mind.

Tonight you're the Sea and the Salty Breeze

2005-05-27T07:50:00.000-07:00

I'm off. I know why. It's my recent activities that have made me feel like straying. I haven't prayed, nor have I been reading. I need to get back to it. I will. Today. Now.

There are so many things going on this weekend. This is the time when having divorced parents sucks...selfish reasons of course. I have a friend who is having a bbq around where I went to school. That is approx. 2 hrs away from both parents houses. But saturday I will be spending with my father. Sunday is spending time with my mom. Saturday is also the friend's bbq and also a friends graduation exhibit from the Academy in Philly. I want to be able to do everything but realistically know that I can't.

This has essentially been a good week. Yet, I still feel like nothing has happenned. I guess my sense of goals or accomplishments have been put on hold. I think I wrote something about the satisfaction of doing something or accomplishing something. I haven't had that feeling since whatever it was that I wrote about before. I don't know what to do about it. I don't think I'll be playing at this coming open mic night (if they even have it due to the holiday). I'm just not in the mood, nor do i have any new stuff quite ready to go yet. I don't like playing the same shit over and over again. Maybe I'm less satisfied with my playing abilities.

Maybe it is good that I'm going home this weekend. Maybe I need to recharge again. I don't know.

I'll be heading to NYC next week on Friday for a huge publishing thing. Although, i'll walk around and get lots of free stuff, I'm not sure what I will do with the rest of my time. I like the idea of bumming around the city for a bit, but would like to meet up with someone and have a beer. So, if anyone reads this and will be up in the area or is in the area and has nothing to do Friday evening maybe we can grab a drink before I leave. Leave a comment or something I guess.

I need a change. I'd like to meet someone. Wouldn't we all I guess. But I want another try with someone. I want to have the opportunity to not be messed up and to be with someone who is not messed up. I've had just about enough of this single stuff. And it's not that I need to be in a relationship. It's just that the whole single thing is getting old.

I want to know what it's like to have more than 2 or 3 dates with someone. I want to have a fight with someone and know what it's like to work through a problem andf not be given up on or me not giving up on them. I want someone to think of me. I want to think about someone. It's all past and imaginary faces that float through my mind right now.

I actually look forward to the drive up to PA tomorrow. I like driving early in the morning. No traffic. Me, a cup of coffee, some good tunes, and the open road and the early morning coolness that starts to give way to heat of the afternoon.

another's words

2005-05-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

this is someone elses writing. It's pretty incredible I think.

"We use words to cover up our insincerity of our hearts, of our kisses that do not live; they wilt, turn dry and fall to the floor as limp compliments and stalled heartbeats. Co-workers left behind. Served a functional purpose. Thanks for the counterfeit confidence and artificial emotion."

rattles my cage like a thunderstorm

2005-05-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

I am a very tired little man this morning. I'm not sure I can make it through the whole day. The worst part is that I have had about 1/2 cup of coffee between yesterday and today. So I am having major withdrawl issues....that or walking into posts and tripping a lot will be a new lifestyle.
I won three back to back awards (honorable mention, third place, and second place) at the awards ceremony last evening. That was pretty cool.
Then it was off to the opium den. It was there that I met some new friends; a magical loaf of bread and a dragon. We sat and talked of days past and I fell asleep for a few minutes. I later learned that that few minutes was actually an opium induced coma which lasted approx. 4 hours. Luckily, due to the absence of caffiene in my system, my strong internal drive for coffee shook me awake.
I exchanged phone numbers with Stoney Wheat Ground and Chang. Although, the kinds of people you tend to meet at opium/heroin palaces don't tend to call you back. So I won't hold my breath....unless it is for more opium.
Now, after I shake the spiders loose, I need to do some work. Although, as it is completely droll, I'm not sure how long I will be able to do that before I start jonesing for my next fix. Or some Nutella. That stuff is pretty good too I guess.
I have a bit of a hangover this morning. My headache resides right around my left eye socket. I tried jamming tylenol into my eye but that just makes it hurt more. I also tried shutting them briefly to let the darkness comfort it but nearly got into an accident and broke a nail. So, it looks as if I will have to live with this horrid pain and soiled pantaloons for the rest of the day. It's going to be miserable.

Cocaine Flame in the bloodstream

2005-05-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

A very early start to the day. I got my car inspected at 7:10 or so and was out by 7:30 and had passed. I got to the DMV by 8:30 or so and got out at 9:30. And into work by 10. I am now a legal DC driver!!! No more MD license plate. No more feeling like a fugitive. Actually it is quite a relief. I hate car stuff and I should've taken care of it within the legal time frame. But because I don't like it i put it off then forget about...much like paying bills.
No sword dance last night. He (the sensei) guaranteed, or more like threatened, that it will be next week. That should be fun. All the rain and cooler weather kind of affected my breathing so I was a little off my game last evening. I did give the one new kid a good shot to the head though.
Today will also prove to be a very long and late one indeed. After work I will be attending the Washington Book Publishers Awards which I am sure to win nothing...just like normal. I don't get the kinds of books that they give awards to. I get the kitchy stuff that looks cool, but never has much bearing on anything important. But, now that I know my old boss isn't going I am actually looking forward to it a bit.
Then, after that, I am off to another destination that must remain undisclosed. So, short of picking up my car at my apt, I probably won't see the inside of it nor the dog until about midnight. I'm anticipating being a very tired jerk by the end of the day.
We'll see...

hide the darkness

2005-05-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

a. few things I've learned in the past 26 years.

1. Put the cheese between the meat when making a sandwich for later. That way the bread and cheese won't get mushy.

2. Taking chances on music will often yeild good results.

3. Your first instinct is usually the right one.

4. cooking rice on a gas range will forever elude me.

5. Women are crazy and there is no hope of ever understanding them.

6. The Subway close to work is like some east-Indian club where they push carb-free cookies on unexpecting passersby.

7. It can never be a quick trip to the Giant on Rhode Island Ave.

8. Ryan Adams is the savior of Rock and Roll in all of its glory!

9. Transitioning from a C to a Bm7 will always be pretty tough.

10. Caffiene is the best drug.

11. Booze is a close second.

12. Any drink with an umbrella in it is fey.

13. If you smoke in a crowd of people who are so close that they cannot move, be prepared to have dirty looks shot in your general direction.

14. Some people just don't wash their hands after... where you work.

15. Do not take for granted the people in your life right now. You never know when they will leave.

16. Try new things when you have the opportunity to.

17. People will always take the creative jobs for granted and think that it is not real work.

18. The bad times are just as important as the good times.

19. Being as good designer has nothing to do with what school you went to. Conversely, the school does not make great designers.

20. All we need, and have, is love.

runs through my veins like a long black river

2005-05-24T08:32:00.000-07:00

I'm still realing from the Ryan Adams show! It was so good! Then i found a site with some great show photos that I was able to download. They will serve me well to remember what a great show it was. There are also links to soeme bootleg recordings from this tour which I will investigate asap. I also figured out how to play Let it Ride which I am very excited about. But the only thing is that I have to be in standard tuning. And I've been playing a lot in a 1/2 step down and it gets to be annoying to constantly retune the guitar. The price I pay for being such an amazing musician! HA!
I just read a review of Alkaline Trio's new album Crimson. It's a very good review and makes me think I should revisit it. I put it away (or just haven't listened to it in a while) but it is on my iTunes and iPod.
I've been thinking, now after the RA show, that I may just try and find new songs to play but keep it similar to what I like to play. Like...I can play a Ray LaMontagne song pretty well.
tonight at Kendo should be the sword dance. However, he said that in the beginning of last class but never said it at the end of the class. So we'll see. There is supposed to be some new students tonight. We'll see how they are.
Eh...nothing else important to write right now...like any of this is important!

coffee blues

2005-05-22T13:46:00.000-07:00

utter garbage!

This weekend was great. It consisted of a great Ryan Adams show that went until 2:30 in the morning! The crwod was very supportive of hearing some new unreleased stuff. The people by me were annoying as shit! So I broke my red strip bottle on the ground and shoved the broken jagged edge of the bottle into the stomach of tallest guy .
I got a Ryan Adams t-shirt which is most likely going to take the place of the "Asthma is Sexy" t-shirt.

I got some new music. The new Andrew Bird album is pretty damn good! Although I'm not familiar with his older stuff to know if this is terribly different.
The new M. Doughty album is really cool. Fans of Soul Coughing will dig this one. Very similar to his old stuff...with just a bit more indie-type music and singing going on. A cool song is "Busting up a Starbucks." And I also picked up a Mississippi John Hurt album. So different than a lot of other blues artists I've heard. A really cool song on this is his version of Stag-O Lee blues.

The weekend without the roomy and dog proved to be a nice break from my regular drudgery. The sleeping part of the weekend was great! I did eat some crappy jerk salmon though and some even crappier miso/ginger rice I bought at my first whole foods shopping trip.

This should hopefully prove to be a good week!

The Sweetest Decline

2005-05-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

I'm a little upset right now. The sicky feeling from the sub is gone. But I just realized that I probably won't (not that I don't want to) speak to someone again. I was hoping a friendship could be worked out, but I guess I was wrong. And I don't want to push someone to do something they don't want to do. And I certainly do not want to make them feel uncomfortable. I guess I'll just hold out a little hope that someday our paths will cross again and we might be able to look past past indecencies and start anew. In the meantime I will hold onto a little sadness in my heart for a real loss.
A lot of people have come and gone in my life and most of 'em, I'm glad that they are gone. Not this one however. It makes me angry is all, to just stand by and let someone leave. I wish I had bigger balls and would tell this person to stay and not be afraid to be aggresive. But here I sit writing a blog about what I wish I could be. I guess, though, that life shouldn't be this hard. I shouldn't be so consumed all the time. Relationships shouldn't be this hard. Why do I make them harder than they need to be? I feel lonely, and think that I find people who will only facilitate that lonliness. In the past year I've been attracted to mostly girls who have either already had boyfriends or know in my heart and mind that they are not my type so things won't work out. Or I'm just looking to not feel lonely for one night. Sometimes I think that way. Sometimes I confuse myself into thinking that temporary is better than lasting. But, I really only know temporary and know that it sucks. I wanted to write something to remedy the situation but wonder what good it is for a song to fall on deaf ears.
Sometimes I wish things just didn't matter. I wish I could just go on and do whatever it is I do. I wish people didn't affect me. I wish I could stop listening to her music. All of this sounds so silly. But it wouldn't if you met her I think.

Left here waiting for you to say goodbye
I'm not staying here anymore
Sure, I'll be there when you call,
but my time isn't yours anymore.
Maybe it never was.

there are sharks swimming in my water
And I cannot get them with my flyswater
Too many ghosts in my head
won't leave me alone when I go to bed

My keys don't fit. Those people I never met
but did and don't really want to forget.
The lingering feeling of being lost
and being hurt, cuts both sides.

But I'm letting go of hope.
I'm not forgetting about a
promise of friendship. I'll be
there. But I'm not waiting anymore.
I'm not thinking I can do something anymore.
Because it makes me into a fool.
And I'm tired of playing a fool.

I'd gladly hand that title over to someone else.

ugh....

2005-05-20T10:19:00.000-07:00

I ate almost a whole 12" sub from subway. Now I feel like I'm going to get sick. Maybe I should....and be done with it.
Ugh...

Now that I'm Saved, i wish I was damned

2005-05-20T06:17:00.000-07:00

I must've just been a little cranky Wednesday. Yesterday was ok. I ate way too much pasta though and felt pretty disgusting. I seriously thought I would die. And all I wanted to do was walk upstairs and post a blog asking for help...or vomit. And I was so lethargic I couldn't do any of it.
I've already decided to cut out ice cream and cakes and such things and have been doing fairly well with it. I'm now thinking I should eliminate all pastas with cream based sauces. There's probably way too much fat in that shit.

Also something I should cut out is this peaches and cream cappucino from 7-11. I won't get their coffee but will but that machine crap. Man it is disgusting, but it tastes pretty good. I guess I shouldn't have that either.

The dog and I are on better terms now. Lucky for him!

Eh...none of this is important anyway.

good song from Cold Roses

2005-05-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

If I Am A Stranger

For all the hours here that move too slow
There's all this letting go, that don't pass
If all this love is real, how will we know?
If we're only scared of losing it, how will it last?

If I am a stranger now to you
I will always be, I will always be
Stronger now then me, stronger then you
Our love will always be
And if we let it go, I will try to be there for you
If I can, what if I can't?

Today is yesterday when you don't know
How to rebuild the walls that someone has knocked down
To tell the truth it's hard enough about a lover
Who you want to hide your darkness from
So they won't let you down

If I am a stranger now to you
I will always be, I will always be
Stronger now then me, stronger then you
Our love will always be
And if we let it go, I will try to be there for you
I will try and be there for you
If I can, what if I can't?

For all the hours here that move to slow
There's all this letting go, that won't pass
If all this love is real, how will we know?
And if were only scared of losing it, how will it last?

If I am a stranger now to you
I will always be, I will always be
Stronger now then me, stronger than you
Our love will always be
If we let it go, I will try to be there for you
I will try to be there for you
I will try to be there for you
If I can, what if I can't?

Passing Afternoon

2005-05-19T08:02:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of being ordinary to so many people.

Communion Cups and Someone's Coat

2005-05-18T17:22:00.000-07:00

Great day..shitty ending. Feeling a little lonely.
Angry at things that I cannot control.
Annoyed at feeling alienated from everyone else.
Tired of being a problem for other people.

This is a song of taking things back
of reclaiming feelings and rejecting the hurt
this is not a song at all.

I looked up some stuff in the bible about forgiveness and about reconciling fellowship and the nature of true fellowship.
I contacted a friend that I've been annoyed with for a long time. I got a cd of Iron & Wine that I ordered from Sub Pop.
I ate a steak dinner. I played guitar. I am mad at my dog.

Why do I think about other people and they don't think about me? Other people and their issues consume me.
Not a martyr. Just maybe too sympathetic.

This is all disjointed. I want to write things to change others. Change only happens when others want it.
I'm not sad or blue or melencholy. Just a little tired. Tired of doing things for myself and doing things for others that go unnoticed.

Who the hell cares.

This is a self pity blog. Not too many of em. But I'm mad and tired...and that's what happens.

Staring at the Sun

2005-05-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

I know what I will be doing this weekend...besides seeing Ryan Adams music. I'm going to go and by some music. I'm gonna go to some actual music store, browse for a bit but mainly look for some Mississippi John Hurt albums...maybe I'll look for them on vinyl!, the new M. Doughty album, and some dude named Andrew Bird's album "The Mysterious Production of Eggs."
YES!
New music and some old music.

I'm thinking of devoting some time to really learning how to fingerpick a little more properly on the guitar. Right now, I'm quite sloppy and am only competant doing quite minor things. When I went to get my shitty hair cut I came across the guitar store in Cleveland park that offers a number of different style lessons. I might try and look into that a bit more.

This is going to be a good weekend.

We don't choose who we love

2005-05-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

Last night I played another open mic night. It was pretty good. I felt better about my performance this time than last time. I only did three songs though, because there was a lot more people there this time than usual and in order to get so many people in we all had to play three song sets. I played Ryan Adams' "Hallulujah", G. Parsons' "Song For You", and John Prine's "Please Don't Bury Me." I also think I did better since I could hear myself like the first time. Looking back on my second time I realized I should've asked for some adjustment in the sound so I could hear myself more. It really does help!
The Austin Grill is a strange place though. At a certain point the place gets quite ethnically diverse. And the minority seems to be people who can enjoy singer/songwriter type stuff. So it is a little tough to rise above the din of the bar. But...whatever. I'm playing because I enjoy it. Maybe someday people will come just to see me...in my dreams!
I'm looking forward to seeing Ryan Adams this weekend. It should be a really sweet show. Also, I won't have the dog and that means I have 0 responsibility!!!! So I'm gonna party so f-ing hard...maybe with Ryan himself.
Tonight at kendo should be interesting. We will be working on the sword dance. This is one of the more internal/soft parts of a normally hard-hitting, butt-kicking class. It is like moving meditation. It is done to music. It can be embarrassing for those who have never done it before or are worried about other people stopping and watching. But I enjoy it. This is one of the few times where nothing is right or wrong. You can just focus on the music and yourself. Nothing else exists. Everything goes away for 5 minutes. Beautiful if it is done with no mind.
I guess that's it for now.

grace is gone

2005-05-16T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'm terribly bored right now. It's also unbearably warm and stuffy in here.
Sometimes that isn't good for me because my mind wanders and starts replaying things and analyzing them.
If it helps to show how bored I am and just how much I don't want to be here, I'm playing Dave Matthews music. HA!

It felt so good to be around like-minded people this weekend. I felt like I was on too. I can use my superhuman power of sarcasm for good sometimes. This was one of those times. I think that is why I really enjoy playing open mic nights...because I like a bit of the limelight. You know...for a few seconds I am what everyone is looking at. And it is my choice. It's not like I just slipped in someones puke and my lunch tray lands on my face kind of embarrassing thing. But I am doing something that I really enjoy and am passionate about and I want people to watch me and be as much a part of it as they can.

I found some good info this weekend that I need to find/look up corresponding verses for in the Bible. Also found some good stuff on forgiveness. I'll see if I can put up some verses and quotes from the other book.

I'm thinking that good things are coming along. I'm not waiting for them, but will try and remain open to more opportunities or experiences when they present themselves.

I also think I'm going to start taking pictures again. There is so much great imagery down here. So many people. I really should pick up my old camera.

It's funny; when you have someone in your life, however brief, that impacts it quite significantly, it sort of throws you off track. Getting back to normal sounds pretty good right now. Although it's been so long since (since briefly in college) I have felt normal. This real normal is what I'm talking about. Not one where you/I are (am) depressed all the time and pine over loss and other things. But the stuff that makes me me. Drawing (and all other art stuff), playing guitar, kendo, etc. Normal doesn't last long for me...and for most I might guess. For me it is because I feel like everything affects me to great levels. Maybe that is b.s. but it feels like it. So, who knows how I could feel by the time I get home. But right now, the weight of the world and all of my past indecencies are gone. I am light. The butterflies in my stomach used to come from someone. Now, they just come from nerves for playing open mic's. Which is fine!

I am empty. Ready to be filled.

Bled into a Letter

2005-05-16T07:43:00.000-07:00

Just listened to Jesse Malin's "Brooklyn." I learned how to play it correctly this weekend. I just have to tune my guitar down half a step. I know a few other things to play in that alt-tuning. Maybe next Monday I'll play in a different tuning and play that song. It kicks so much ass!

I wish I were at home right now. I hate this fucking place!

Fuck the man

2005-05-16T06:21:00.000-07:00

It was a very fullfilling weekend. The party that I went to was awesome! Not the kind of parties I've been to down here where they are full of snobs and two-faced uber hipsters. No...this was a shindig thrown by some great people with a lot of really friendly and cool people. You could just walk around and talk to anyone. I'm sure it helped that I knew a lot of people already...and maybe I just felt more comfortable because of that but either way it was great.
The woman who was hosting it and her boyfriend (my friend from school) are another great example of a good relationship. It didn't make me feel self-conscious or bad, but instead made me think that something good is in store for everyone.
Not to mention that there were a lot of nice looking single girls there. However, at one point a lot of them decided to leave to see some show never to return. But it was nice to meet other singles instead of being surrounded by people in long term relationships and married. Jeez! What a bore!
Also, I met up with a girl that I was vewry fond of (as friends) in school. She is doing so much better now and is finally really happy. So that was really awesome to hear from her and see her.
A few people didn't show up that I would've liked to see. But the people that were there were more than great and more than made up for not seeing some people. And having such a good time made me forget, momentarily, about my bad haircut. I went to the same place I always go. It had more recently been employing mostly African-American stylists. And that is not a/the problem but it is just that the culture surrounding various ethnic groups produces different hairstyles. And I had to expalin a "fauxhawk" to this guy. I had to do it last time with another dude but he gave me an friggin sweet cut. I explained the cut/style I wanted and he said "so, when you push it together like this it will be higher in the middle." YES! Then he proceeds to cut it and towards the end combs it forwards and just combs the front up...like some jerk off frat kid getting a ceaser style cut. UH...HELLO??!
WTF? Short term memory? So now, I'm thinking I'm gonna have to go somewhere else and pay lots of money to get it fixed.
Then Sunday, after getting back home, and seeing the pooch alright, I practiced the songs I'm gonna do tonight. I got them all down except the John Prine tune. But I can play that last and just bring a cheat cheat. It's almost a relief to not play English Girls Approx. Maybe it will help.
So, the set list is:
1. Firecracker
2. Hallelujah
3. Song For You
4. Jesus the Mexican Boy
5. Don't Bury Me
I'm excited. I think this will be a good one...unlike last time.

One for the Rose

2005-05-13T10:43:00.000-07:00

I'm really looking forward to playing again on Monday. But I have to figure some new songs. Hallelujah went really well. I didn't get much of a response from Cracks in a Photograph. So I don't think I'll play that again. Maybe Cannonball Days.
I was thinking of playing a Mark Geary song...but not sure if I want to now because it isn't really my style. Maybe a Jesse Malin tune for Brian. I can play Brooklyn and Queen of the Underworld pretty well.
I just want to play something that I'm comfortable with that tends to be country/alt-country. I could work on some Bruce Springsteen songs...i know a few of them. I'm not going to play English Girls again. I need to give it a break for a few weeks. Maybe I could try and Iron & Wine song. I just don't know. I do know that I'll play Gram Parson's "Song for you." Hmm....maybe Ryan Adam's song "Cry on Demand" or "Firecracker" which I was going to play last time...so I kind of already know that one. Oooh...how's a bout "Rescue Blues" that's also pretty easy.
If any of you who read this and have heard me play (which is like all of two people) can you give any reccomendations? I wish i knew how to play that Tom T Hall song "I hope it rains at my funeral"
Tomorry I'm going to get my hair cut. My hair is too long, now, to have in a fauxhawk.
I'll also need to shave. Get my wolverine facial hair back. Now, i'm indie rocker beard man.
Then I'm going up to a friends party in H-burg. Should be really great. I'm looking forward to seeing a lot of my friends that I don't really get to see that much. A friend is doing me a great service by watching the pup for the evening and morning.
Songs to choose from:
1. Song For You (G. Parsons)
2. Firecracker (R. Adams)
3. Hallelujah (R. Adams)
4. Cry on Demand (R. Adams)
5. Gingerman (M. Geary)
6. It Beats Me (M. Geary)
7. Jesus the Mexican Boy (S. Beam)
8. Such Great Heights (Iron & Wine version)
9. The Battle and the War (C. Cary)
10. Cannonball Days (R. Adams)
11. Inn Town (whiskeytown)
12. 16 Days (Whiskeytown)
13. Queen of the Underworld (J. Malin)
14. Brooklyn (J. Malin)

These are all things I could memorize and play well in time for Monday.
Ugh...I really need to figure this out so I can start practicing.

In the World

2005-05-12T12:54:00.000-07:00

The case for silk worms and stolen lyrics:

I never lived anywhere but in my head. And I've asked for forgiveness for the things I did and have thought about. Three houses when I was younger. A series of apartments. A series of temporary places and temporary people.

I don't remember my dreams anymore. Actually since I've been on my own. Flashes of deja vu. So much that I can't always remember where I'm from....what I've become. I think i used to feel so much, but now I just feel numb.

Every morning and afternoon I walk my dog. some mornings I see the sun. Some mornings I notice the red streaks slashed across the sky. I always seem to look for the rain.

But on days where it seems clear I walk, without noticing, into tiny silk worms dangling from branches and trees. I lightly brush them off my shirt, or see them just in time to avoid them.

dime bags litter the walk. once a needle. but always, the silk worms.

I wish it didn't matter

2005-05-11T11:28:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted today. It probably doesn't help my emotional state, being physically tired. In fact, i'm sure it doesn't. I actually hate work right now. It seems utterly pointless.
I'm looking forward to this weekend. I will get to see some friends that I haven't seen in quite a while. I hope I'm not greeted with anger from any of em.

Is the best thing you can do for some people is leave them alone? What if you really care for/about someone, should you fight to be part of their lives because you want to be with them in their low times and their high times? How do we make up for past offenses?

People are tough. If you make mistakes on your drivers test, you can always retake it. But if you make mistakes with people you often don't get a second chance and rarely anything beyond a second chance.Do you (I) even deserve a second chance?

Is a song worth anything if it is someone elses?

Am I lost? If I don't know where I am does that mean I'm lost? Maybe I've just lost a habit...a routine and I don't know what to do with myself.

Some people's casual situations are other peoples treasures. Sex, dates, friedships, etc. While it may mean little to some, to others it doesn. Is there a right and wrong way to view it? Is it love when someone doesn't feel that way back? Can you long for the resurrection of a friendship that really wasn't that old? Are we allowed to make mistakes in the name of love (any form of love...romantic, friend, familial, etc)?
How do you atone for the hurt you've caused others?

I've been trying to write a new song. Something pretty...something clever....something not about me or the way I feel. Something about someone else.

I'm thinking of playing some Mark Geary and some Gram Parsons next week at the open mic. I'd like to play something pretty but realized that I don't know many pretty songs. One song who's chorus/refrain goes "my salvation lies in your love"
It doesn't matter who the "your" is. He's lucky to have a "your."
Someone, show me something pretty.

Leave your yesterday behind

2005-05-11T07:54:00.000-07:00

Just seconds ago, I decided to take an advil cold and sinus pill. I have one of those water bottles that people use for when they go camping. I promptly untwisted the cap and went ahead and spilled some water on my crotch. Now it looks like I've had an accident. I also have the urge to go. But I can't move until it dries or people will see it while I walk to the bathroom or coming out of the bathroom. Is holding it in really not good for the bladder?

Hearing blues music live makes me remember how great it is. I forget sometimes! I'm listening to Taj Mahal right now. So freakin' awesome!

Kendo was ok last night. I was drawing quite quickly. I was actually hoping that we would be fighting. I have a lot of stuff I need to get out. And beating the crap out of someone would really help! Halfway through the class I realized that I haven't been thinking about the thing that has been on my mind for a while. So, that was a nice break from it. I also read a good bit of 1 Corinthians. In that, Paul is writing a response to some issues that the people of Corinth were asking him. And a lot of the marriage stuff in it seems to pertain more to the holy people. My roommate thinks that if you were to ask a preist their reasoning and dogma behind the churches stance on priests not marrying that they would cite scripture from 1 Corinthians. And when Paul writes about the single men and women being concerned with God and married people being concerned with the world. It stands to reason that he is implying that those single people can give themselves over to God; mind, body, and spirit. Whereas a married person would have other obligations beyond himself and God and that can cause fissures in such a relationship with God.
But the idea that God wants people to be alone doesn't seem to jive with the nature of God. He has plans for peoples lives. They are good plans. He does not want people to be in pain and emotional turmoil all their lives. Although, when that does happen, then perhaps there is some sort of seperation (usually through sin?) from God. And it is important to pick up the phone...so to speak. Like that gospel song..."Jesus on the main line, tell him what you want...etc"
does any of this sound right...or wrong?

The Past and Pending

2005-05-10T11:33:00.000-07:00

This 40 hour work week has just begun.
The varying shades of browns rise from floor to ceiling. The buzz of flourescent lights whispering and reminding you that the one light you need has long since burned out. Requests have been put in but somehow it's always lost.

A pamphlet on the car. between the windsheild and the blade. Flourescent green paper with black type. Univers Extra Black I think. Escaping is how I breath easier. I actually wake at 5 o'clock every day. All of this is just matter floating around before something better is created. At least I hope it's something better.

Friends have been littered and wasted along the way. Existance is relative.
The street is always being worked on. Cranes and dozers spring out over the hill and cut the sky. The traffic light that lasts as long as any song on the radio. Enough time to remember easier days when there were no flourescent light looking down on you. Only the moonlight and fireflies trapped in the jar.

A house; because that is were objects are. Skin; because steel just isn't strong enough. A dog; a creature to focus your love on. A Roommate; one who installs temporary light.

Lines from movies that seem to sum up your life. Moving at the speed of life, we are bound to collide with each other.

Every car has dents in this town. There are accidents every morning. But they quickly fade into history. The desire for permanence. A ground to root. A permanent collision. My car has no dents though. But the valve cover gasket always leaks a little, so it will never function quite the way a new car would. A new alternator, a diagnostics check, low oil lights, etc.

Today, I put on a new shirt, ironed it, and new pants. Combed my hair and brushed my teeth. A spritz of cologne. A new person everyday. The same valve cover gasket leak.

Prayer for St. Rita

2005-05-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

So I've been thinking what else I have to give instead of apologies. I think I found something. I just need a little time.

Mannish Boy

2005-05-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

Holy freakin' crap!!! I went to play at the open mic thing in Silver Spring and this guy played first and blew everyones socks off! His name is Eli Cook. He is 19 years old and plays like Stevie Ray Vaughan and John Fahey and sounds like a combo of John Lee Hooker and the lead singer from Crash Test Dummies! Some skinny white boy from Charlottesville VA. He's playing at the Austin Grill in Silver Spring on June 10. Go see him if you can dig blues music. Everyone who I was sitting with, their jaws just hit the floor.

Needless to say I was a bit put off and became flustered. I was shakey going into my first song which was the easiest but the other two went fairly well, and my last one, while quiet and sad was ok too....it may have just been too quiet because it was a little drown out by all of the folks at the bar. So, my sophomore experience wasn't as good as my freshman exp. But I guess everyone messes up time to time and it's important for humility reasons and such.
Set list included:
1. English Girls Approx.
2. Cracks in a Photograph
3. Hallelujah
4. To Be the One

My roommate also discovered that we have cable. Double-edged sword! He just tried to plug the cable in to see if it would act as an antenna for better reception and viola! Cable! We even have HBO and Showtime! I'm glad we didn't have it before though because I probably would've been satisfied with not doing anything and just sitting on my fat white ass watching tv.

Someone who I care about sounds exactly like me....about a year ago. You think that you're supposed to end up alone. I've said and believed that before. And I was totally wrong. I want to show her that there is no way she'll end up alone and
that God doesn't want people to be alone. He wants people to be happy. I'll find the verses (if you still read this) to prove that you will not end up alone.
I know the despair involved in that feeling. Being alone for the rest of your life is the absense of light. But one thing that's come to me is that we are not alone with God...in God. I want to write more on that...but I have some work to do.
No one is meant to be alone!

Rain Dogs (of Angels and Angles)

2005-05-09T07:32:00.000-07:00

This weekend was good in many varied ways. I saw the Decemberists on Friday evening. They were fantastic. While live they didn't offer much more than what's on their cd's I was still nonetheless impressed with how tight they are musically, and just how much an audience can get in to songs about whalers, civil war-esque tales of love and loss, chimney sweeps, etc.

I then saw the Jiminy Glick movie out in Bethesda. First of all, Bethesda really sucks.It is so built up and commercial. It's like Chili's and Appleby's, and J. Crew and Abercrombie threw up all over a town. The movie was horrendous but hilarious at times. Still not as funny as the tv show from Comedy Central but definitely worth the $9.50 for the movie ticket.

Sunday afternoon of all times, while watching spiderman I realized something about the nature of forgiveness. The ability or power to forgive can come in many forms. It can come in the form of realizing you are wrong and asking forgiveness of another. The person I needed to foregive is/was myself. Just when I thought I was on the right track I found myself making my own path. I was full of pride or something.I hope that I haven't gone too far down my own path and that I can still get back to the road and also that my friends are still there waiting for me.
What a strange thing...forgiveness. It isn't saying that what people have done to hurt you is ok with you but it is saying that all my anger and hurt isn't making it any better. It is letting go of the anger and the hurt in yourself that is the real forgiveness. The anger just keeps the pain cycle going and doesn't really allow you to heal and grow.

Now...on to more important things "let's get some coke and a hooker and you know, just have a good time."

Hatamoros Banks

2005-05-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

I can't wait to play tomorrow night. Scratch the last set list. I love saying that I have a set list. I'm so f-ing lame.
I thought I'd play an iron & wine song, but soon after realized something; I only sound ok at that stuff and I'm more happy that I can just play along with it. I don't have to play everything! Especially things that I could quite possibley really suck at.
So, for anyone who's going to come out and watch me do my donkey show on stage get ready for a surprise. Except, of course, for my roommate. He's been hearing me play all weekend and is probably ready to punch me in the throat...or the box! Ha Haha ha! A surprise! Right...like anyone cares what I play.

I've recently come to the conclusion that I have some sort of oral shoe fetish. I think my feet, like a baby, are constantly around the vicinity or in my mouth. No matter what type of footwear I choose, I have this overwhelming desire to just cram both feet in my gob. If anyone has any forcepts, can you please help me remove them?

Got my car back on Friday. Only had to spend $220 for it. they tried to dick me over by saying they really should degrease my engine. And whilst it wasn't the offering I was hoping, I later found out that it specifically pertained to my car. So I told them no and to go f themselves. Which they promptly did. Actually, they just didn't do it because I asked them not to seeing as that would bring my total up to $350. Now, I have a normal car that doesn't smoke and stink and kill other people. I had the iginition turned on evil without even realizing it. I tried to back over a few people, Johnny, but it wouldn't let me. Actually...I might be thinking of my conscience....not my ignition switch. So....a big boy car for a great big jerk...me!

Easy Plateau

2005-05-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

Cold Roses, the new album by Ryan Adams, is growing on me. At first I was worried that I wouldn't like it. I put it on and it faded into the background really quickly. I couldn't get the hooks immediately.
I put it in again and I started thinking differently. It definitely harkens back to his whiskeytown days just without the harshness and dust in his voice. It's like a purer whiskeytown with songs written like those off of Rock N Roll and Love Is Hell pt. I and II.
I think it just threw me. It's not at all what I expected coming off those two albums.

Anyway...that doesn't matter.

I'm so freakin tired. My goal this weekend is to catch up on sleep. Something I've been needing for quite a while. I'm tired of only getting four hours a night.

I try and read a lot of other peoples blogs to find something good and entertaining and funny or whatever. But whenever I press "next blog" it always takes me to really incredibly boring ones and/or spanish ones. I just want to read about other people's crap. Is that so wrong? Anyone have any fav's or ones that they read off and on?

bitter miss

2005-05-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

i wrote something. but it is mean. I'm not gonna post it.

I feel so gross sitting in this office. It's like there's a thick disgusting coating on my face and fingers. Like dried sweat...but not mine.
It must contain some of that tired-making-chemical from Turkey...the country.

It seems like everyone here is dead and we don't need air because of it. It is stale and none moving air.

Violent is the color right now.

Sweetest winds blow across the south

2005-05-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

Songs for Monday:
1. English Girls Approx.
2. Firecracker
3. Cracks in a Photograph
4. Jesus the Mexican Boy

And I'm still deciding if I want to play Kathy's Song by Paul Simon soon or never.
That's in a higher register. I only sang it pretty well once. But that is unimportant. I was also toying with the idea of doing Blue Mind by Alexi Murdoch and doing it in such a way that would get the audience involved...you know, have them sing with me. Too early to do that? Maybe.
I now have to start getting pieces of clothing and such apparel to make myself more of a rockstar. Cause that's what I am! A fuckin' Rock Star!!!

Beautiful Sorta

2005-05-05T06:47:00.000-07:00

The first image below is a shoulder cut. I had to take someone out from the background though. I mean, I'm not photogenic in any way, but the person that was in the background looked like jabba the hut's daughter. I spent all of two minutes just trying to get rid of her.
The second image is of the block and counter sequence that I was asked to perform. We do two sword fighting...not too many schools around that still do it. That's why I can kick everyone's ass...so long as I have a sword. You can see the tape on my left thumb. I was bleeding a bit cause the edge of the tsuba (hilt) kept rubbing against my thumb. So, they just got some medical taped and tied it on my thumb...not wrapped it mind you, but tied it ; ) Since then I got my own white gi top (actually a judo gi) and have gotten a bunch of blood stains on it. This is why I can't own nice things
There are a few other picts from my test that turned out pretty good. I'll see if i can clean 'em up a bit and post them. One of them (which I won't be posting) is all blurry and somehow there is a good shot of me inside all the blurriness. But with some weird lighting I look like Bruce Campbell from Bubba Hotep.
I'm gonna play at the open mic night again on Monday. I think I'm gonna redo English Girls Approx. because I blanked on part of a verse...and I really like that part. Then i have to think of a few new ones to do. Definitely more alt-country though.
Maybe something slow...like an Iron & Wine cover....combined with a louder song....hmmm....it will definitely suck! If anyone reads this, you should come.

camera one

2005-05-04T14:02:00.000-07:00

kendo pictures:

If I am a Stranger

2005-05-04T11:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish things were different. I wish I would know what the right thing to do is. I wish people would try and understand me without analyzing what i try and say through the lenses of their own opinions.
I wish I would know if I should apologize. Part of me wants to. But part of me thinks that if I did then I'd be a bad person. It could very well make no difference.
I wish I could let it go. I don't know why I can't. I guess I just can't understand why, for the first time, it felt different and right. And it is hard to believe that it wasn't a shared sight. But I guess if it wasn't meant to be then there must be something better. Someone who's heart has been taped together a thousand times but is willing to get it broken just one more time. That will be my mantra. Just one more time. Always....just one more time.

Hold these hands
but what if she can't
look in my eyes
there's some truth there
I swear
I wouldn't lie.

Sing a song every night
to the ghost of you
with every hope I might
not have to miss you

But if we both stay bitter
and listen to our own songs
it will never get any better
and the night will go on and on

But when you wake up at dawn
and taste his sweet breath again
let the sun shine in to dry the rain
and let my memory ease the pain

I'll keep your scar on my mind
I won't try and erase it,
i hope you don't mind
I'll see it again when I feel the need to revisit
but only for a moment cause I don't want to stay too long
and open up that wound again.

no song title or lyric. 1:15 AM

2005-05-03T22:05:00.000-07:00

I saw a Shark...aka Hyundai Tiberan in the parking lot of the bar this evening. I looked around for someone for just a second. Then I thought of how much this person impacted my life in such a short time. She probably doesn't realize it. In fact I think she bears me a certain amount of ill will.
But the truth of it is that this person is amazing. I told her that and still believe it. When I told her that, she was talking about how good of a parent she would make. And I could totally see that she was right. And I was, at that moment, so overwhelmed by her that the only thing I could tell her was that she was amazing. Anything short of that would've been cheap.
I'm not sure I made the right decision about cutting myself out of her life, because I miss her emails full of smiley faces. I miss the idea that she is thinking about me. I miss the nearly comfortable awkwardness.

I think I may have been lost in the fact that I mean about as much to her as an acquaintance. That is a really tough thing after you've kissed someone and...to be thrown backwards made me feel pretty close to rubbish. I burned her a cd of this guy who breaks my heart (in a good way...if there is such a thing) every time I listen to it and wonder if she listened to it yet. I didn't even burn it for my roommate...who is almost like a brother to me. (But now, I'm probably gonna have to ; )
I know this might sound silly, but I played Jacksonville Skyline at the open mic night because she said she liked it the best. G, it's the only song I didn't mess up. In fact, just playing for her gave me a lot of the courage to play at the open mic night.

She thinks I was feeling stronger feelings for her than she was for me. She might have been right, but I felt good for once instead of feeling like crap like usual and it is not something I'm going to feel bad about. And if anyone who may comes across and reads this blog, for those who know me then you should know how unusual this is, she changed my life for the better after three weekend dates. That speaks to the kind of person she is and hopefully less to me soundling like a weirdo. Here's something I wish I would've said to her too: She makes me not want to listen to sad music anymore. STILL.

But...this isn't a pity party. I just was struck by how good she made me feel by being present in my life. I wish I could've returned the favor.

Thanks for letting me get to know you.

Sold my soul for a bowie knife

2005-05-03T11:43:00.000-07:00

eh...I tried to upload some flippin sweet kendo pictures but it is too much trouble to go to right now and I just don't care that much.
Maybe I'll care more later.

Sweet Georgia Brown

2005-05-03T06:08:00.000-07:00

What an awesome evening!! I finally did it. I played an open mic night. For some it may be nothing, but it was a small victory for me. And apparently I was pretty good. I was miked. I was worried at first because I've never been miked and wasn't sure how close to get or what. But they had a sound tech guy set it all up and I just asked him a few questions such as how close I should get and how close the guitar should be. And I thought it would be weird to hear yourself but it really helped. I could hear the chords a lot easier so I could match my voice. I did blank a little on some parts of the songs, but my friends didn't even notice...so i guess I covered up pretty well.
Even my roommate said I sounded great and he has no trouble telling me if I suck. And some hipster punk chick said I sounded pretty good and even said I sounded a little like an early Bruce Springsteen. One guy seemed to be really engrossed in what I was playing and he came up and talked with me briefly after.
I think I could've totally sucked and still enjoyed myself. It made it even better that I had some friends there to support me. It really helped. They let me be a little neurotic and didn't try and tell me that it wasn't any big deal.
So...thanks guys!

Stone Roses

2005-05-02T11:01:00.000-07:00

It looks like it is the Ryan Adams show. I wish it were under better circumstances though.

Ain't Nobody Like to be Alone

2005-05-02T07:43:00.000-07:00

This weekend was good, and full of good food, good company, good music. Not much more you can ask for I guess.
I also practiced those three songs I will attempt to butcher tonight at the Austin Grill open mic night. I have them down...unless that is, I blank on stage.

I hope that I've just got a bad case of the Monday's. But I'm feeling tired, annoyed, and sad. I know that I definitely don't want to be here. I've been thinking all weekend on the definition...er...my definition of a friend. When you have people in your life that do not meet that definition, what do you do with them?

I feel like I am compromising myself. I feel like I am losing bits of myself.

"Yeah, well...this one was my dream. And I'm taking it back. I'm taking 'em all back!"

Confessions of a Futon Revolutionist

2005-04-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

Song 3. A tribute to the Present

A memory of things that could have been
subtle flashes of hope only I had seen
A glass heart in a foil candy shell
A northern boy in this southern hell

And apathy is a blanket so soft and warm
we're all running and trying so hard to conform
To what we think is right and blindness remains
studying love advice from John Maynard Keynes

Damn My Negativity
From keeping you at bay
Damn your dull eyes
and all of your fucking goodbyes

Slow and steady wins the race they say
But who wants to go through life that way
I'd rather have my heart broken
as many times as subway tokens

And if we both keep on running away
we'll cross each other some future day
With new shoes on and new eyes to see
a past littered with loss
and a present that we won't flee

Damn My Negativity
From keeping you at bay
Damn your dull eyes
and all of your fucking goodbyes

Damn your Negativity
For keeping me at bay
Damn my dull eyes
and all of my fucking goodbyes

I hope I never find out who broke your heart

2005-04-28T13:55:00.000-07:00

Too much going on to keep worrying about things...which is good.
Apathy is a good blanket, one to sink easily into. It masks the directions we are running in....and it is easy to forget that we keep retracing the same lines.

My hands are swollen with puss and pinapple. I'm thinking of going to my local apothacary to get them drained...or at least going to a bar and dipping my hand in a a mai thai. I've often thought I should just jump up and down like a bird and sqawk loudly...but to myself.

I'm going to take the plunge...you guessed it! I'm going to ram my car into a cow. Finally we will all have an answer to the age old question. Which will win, a cow or a car?

Please don't ask me to smile

2005-04-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

On the horizon:

1.This weekend will be fun and exhausting. John Williams concert at the Kennedy center. Helping a friend move from Takoma Park to Arlington.

2.Monday I will be playing at the Austin Grill's open mic night in Silver Spring. Please come and clap for me even if I'm horrible. My set list will include three songs:
1. English Girls Approxomately
2. Jacksonville Skyline
3. Karina

3.Next Friday is a Decemberists show which should be really f-ing awesome!

4.The new Ryan Adams and the Cardinals cd will be out that week also!

5.Ryan Adams in show at the 9:30 or bus trip to NY. Not sure which is going to happen.

6. Oh yeah, and I've decided upon a new tattoo and what it will be...most likely some piece of some tribal crap...of a wolf in a full moon! Ha!!! Kidding! It will be full forearm, from my elbow to my wrist. Just have to draw it up and get some estimates. Yippee Kay eye aye mother fuckers!!!

Sad Eyes

2005-04-28T06:10:00.000-07:00

Some new realizations. For once I'm not to blame. Sure my faultering may have been no help but, I think normal people worry and stress about the initial stages of a relationship.But I'm not going to accept that my actions were the problem.
Not out of pride, and not out of stubborness.
But because I prayed for the wisdom to make the right decisions and for God to help me do what is right. For the first time I felt like things were happening the way they should happen. Dare I say, i felt twinges of happiness.
Then I realized that it wasn't about me, which is not something I could ever wrap my head around before. So I was comfortable with going slowly. Just because I was sure that things were right for me didn't make her sure. She needed to ease into the pool. I figured that if that was what she needed than that is how it will be done. I would show her that I could be someone she could count on, someone who didn't need her money or her mothering skills, someone who wouldn't make her feel bad, someone whom she could be friends with and pull close when it's cold. It's cold a lot.
The thing is, it still isn't about me. Things ended because of similar reasons I;ve used in the not too distant past with other people. But in my head when saying that to someone, what I really knew was that I was afraid of losing myself, compromising my identity which I have come to know and love as a single person, and I was afraid of being hurt if she decided that she didn't want to drive the three hours to see me and said she had met someone closer. It wasn't that I needed to straighten my head out. It was that I needed to run away so i didn't have to face my fears. Also she was a hermaphrodite.....just kidding.
I also prayed for the strength to deal with whatever happens; good or bad and not to fall back into past behavior if this doesn't work out. He has given me the strength. However, the hurt is still there. I guess that is what happens. But, the hurt is not as bad as I was expecting either. I did things right. I put my heart out there, with nearly no walls. It felt good.
Ah...perhaps this is enough. After all, it was only three dates right? I don't want to sound like a psycho. Writing this stuff just helps me get my head around things so I can move on.

Chutes too Narrow

2005-04-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

Not mine. But I just can't write a fucking thing right now. My mind is all over the place and can't hold on to one specific idea or metaphor or whatever. Whoops...what was here was just a bit of self pity. I know I'm not the cause for someone else's problems. I'm just sad to feel alone again is all. Back in the desert. Still thirsty...maybe moreso, after the mirage.
------
Please remember me happily, by the rosebush laughing
with bruises on my chin the time when we counted every
black car passing your house beneath the hill and
up until someone caught us in the kitchen with maps,
a mountain range, a piggy bank, a vision to remove dimensions,
but please remember me fondly.
I heard from someone you’re still pretty and then they
went on to say that the pearly gates had some
eloquent graffiti like we’ll meet again and fuck the man
and tell my mother not to worry and angels with their
gray and shades but all is done in such a hurry and
please remember me at Halloween making fools of all the neighbors
our faces painted white by midnight we’d forgotten one another
and when the morning came I was ashamed
only now it seems so silly that seasons left the world and then returned
and now you’re lit up by the city
so please remember me mistakenly in the window of the tallest tower
call and passes by but much to high to see
the empty road at happy hour gleam and resonate
just like the gates around the holy kingdom
with words I’ve lost and found and don’t look down
did someone save temptation and please remember me
as in the dream we had as rug burn babies among
the fallen trees and fast asleep beside the lions and
the ladies that called you what you like and even mine
give a gift for your behavior of lead and chance to see
a trapeze swinger high as in a savior but
please remember me, my misery and how it lost me all I wanted
those dogs that loved the rain and chasing trains
the colored birds above they’re running in circles round the well
and where it smells on the wall behind St. Peter so bright
on cinder gray and spray paint. who the hell can see forever?
and please remember me soundly in the car behind the carnival
my hand between your knees you turn from me said
the trapeze act was wonderful but now were meant to last
the clowns that passed saw me just come up with anger
when it filled the circus dolls the parking lot had an element of danger
so please remember me finally and all my uphill crawling
my dear but if I make the pearly gates I’ll do my best to make a drawing of God and Lucifer, a boy and girl, an angel kissing on a sinner, a monkey and a man, a marching band all around a fractured trapeze swinger.

Lay Me Down

2005-04-26T19:22:00.000-07:00

Did my own negativity lay me to waste? Did she not see the hope behind my eyes? Hope that things would be different. Ridding oneself of all the past at once is a mighty task for such a small person. Is it fair to say I'm a culprit when the reasons you gave were that it was you? Forgive me for feeling hurt.

I want to be angry. But find that the only feeling I have is that in the pit of my stomach. worry I guess. Worry for what will come. I feel a strong sense of loss even though friendship remains. A friendship. Now I feel like I'm going to puke.

At least I know now that someone like you is out there. I guess it is just a matter of time.

Damn negativity

2005-04-26T13:26:00.000-07:00

I will be getting a new tattoo soon.

In Lieu of a Song

2005-04-26T11:57:00.000-07:00

A gift of words that I hope may resonate through your soul and trickle down to your heart. A poem of such epic proportions about the most miniscule of things. One mans feelings. A well once dry next to a well that has overflowed and spilled too many tears upon the earth, now both dry. A sky that has battled and raged for so long and the blood of hearts long past has been wrent upon the shores.
Will you not accept the rain to fill you once more, to bathe in and dance like a child? To wipe off the stains and see things anew? A well needs water in order to be a well. As the very nature of the thing implies. What are you to be called then if not a well? To be filled only with the remnants of the storm you are left with traces of mud and still water.
Seek not a lid. Do not cower in the darkness. Do not cover yourself anymore, fore the rain has washed seeds into thy well. Like a caterpillar to a butterfly so shall you be transformed. A well to a garden. You are no longer a well to hold water, to always be the one to supply.
A destiny destroyed. Black cages shattered by a touch. You render me free. Blood stained butterfly wings.
This will be a poem of challenge not safety any longer. Jump from the ledge and into the ether. Fore that, my friend, is where you will find eternity.

rejoicing the hands

2005-04-26T06:52:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to think of ways to start writing a new song that has more of a pop punk way about it. I have a way to structure it in my mind. For example, I know that I want the lyrics to be smart and full of smart rhymes, and have the pace pretty quick. And I know that I want the first line of the chorus to not have any instrumentation. Just harmony. But the problem is, is that I'm having trouble writing that kind of music...or lyrics.
Hmm...I just thought of the old 97's. They're sort of an alt-country-pop punk band. Maybe I can channel that music. That might help me get started.
Also, what to write about? How obscure do I want to be. How obvious do I want to be?

Hmmm....now on to a work rant. I f-ing hate reprints. Seriously. I'm really mad right now. There are so many areas to check on this damn sheet to say whether or not it is a lithocase. There was an area that was checked and I didn't notice. So now, I have to go back and redo this thing. Yeah, it's my mistake but I shouldn't be doing them in the first place. It's like I have to be an f-ing detective. These are a total waste of my time. I want to throw them away.
I can't wait until we get another junior designer so I can pawn this b.s. off on them. Ugh...this stupid restructuring was not really supposed to have an effect on me and one of my coworkers. But now we're stuck doing all this crap! And that is exactly what it is...crap. What a bunch of crap! crap crap crap!

This Bitter Pill

2005-04-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

I sound like a total dork below. Jeez....what a dweeb. Sorry about that post. I'll do better next time.

I'll Be Your Mirror

2005-04-25T09:31:00.000-07:00

Wow! What a great weekend! I was introduced to some really great new music. I got to know someone better and liked it! It's weird...I'm not used to a. going out on more than 2 dates, and b. really getting to know someone better and liking them more after. It's actually usually the opposite.
I left that person and that day feeling quite energized about things. Which is weird because I've become accustomed to being tired and melancholy. Now a lot of my songs don't fit anymore.
I'm starting to feel more comfortable in my scottish accent. That place is filthy! Nothing but dirt and hobos abound!
I think I should clean up a little around here.
Cheers: to Brian for cleaning up this filthy place.
Jeers: to Beau for being a pest at 8:30 this morning thinking he's going to get a walk when I only had to move my car due to people working on the gas lines in the street.

Kind of like spitting

2005-04-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here in Carlisle Coffee Company. It's a nice enough place. It looks a little overdone for where it is. Is it a chain or is it a local place? If it is the latter then it feels more like the former.
I'm drinking some green tea which tastes a little like b.o. I'm not really into it. But drinking something warm whilst waiting is the preferred way of waiting for me. There are many ways to do it...but for me, the only way to go is the drinking a hot cup of something...like a hobo.
If I smoked I think I might enjoy that too. But i don't.

oooh....another sip of b.o. Actually the more sips I take the easier it is to throw back...like cheap whiskey.

I should of brought my iPod along for the walk. But left it in my car. Thieves...if you're reading this...come and get it!!! Although you might have to break a window.

I had this idea somewhere between last night and this morning for a good repeated lyric or part of a chorus for a song. I'm trying to remember it more exactly now and it is failing me. Something like..."And I could fucking shatter"...hmm....
Something along the lines of having a steal facade (I know it has a french c) but having a glass heart or some such nonsense. Maybe I'm listening to too much Dashboard.

Have you ever mourned something that has yet to pass?

Electric Church Red House

2005-04-22T11:23:00.000-07:00

I've rediscovered Dashboard Confessional. I put them/him away for a while but have recently been reminded how good he is. Yeah yeah yeah, he can get a little whiny. And actually I only listened to him when I was miserable. I thought that is what his music was about. But now it seems more like fun....venting...but fun. Im enjoying it on another level.
I'm looking forward to this weekend. I also need a bit of a break from the dog.

Today has been crazy busy at work. I don't mind it so much because it helps me keep my mind off of things. My Dad is a worrier. I'm not sure he always was or if it just came about when his kids were born and I who's been sick so often. But I think I'm taking after him a slight bit. I've become totally neurotic. I'm not sure how to let things go.

I've been reading this book, as prefaced in a previous blog, and it talks about what drives people to live their lives. For Some people it's guilt. For some people it's the past. and there are a few others that I can't seem to remember right now. But suffice it to say, I fit into more than I thought I would. All that hurt I've held onto for so long, because it felt valuable, seems to be pointless. I think I thought I got over it but if I did then why would I need to carry it around with me? Past incidents have ruled how I live my life now. How f-ed up is that? The thing is...I'm not sure how to get past them. Learn from them, forgive (myself), and let them go. I hold onto pain like it's goin' out of style. (ooh...that's a good line...maybe my next song!) I feel like I have an inside full of hurt and pain and now, instead of keeping it secure, I want to get rid of it. I like who i am and where I am, for the most part right now, but holding on to the past must condemn me somewhat to repeat it....which is what it's felt like for a long time.
Is all that pain something I can offload onto God? Where do I put it?

Someone who's blog I occassionaly read has killed himself. It's really horrible. I'm a little upset and wish i could say something to someone and make a difference. I don't know what to say about it. But it just makes seeing people that much more important and telling them what they mean to you.

I heard a good reference this morning on the radio. some dude called in an said he used to work at a booth joint. Which is like a peep show joint. He was part of the cleaning service. You can just imagine the disgusting stories. But I thought that is a pretty good job to use in a song what with all the imagery it conjurs up. It made me think of that Jesse Malin tune...Brooklyn, where he sings "No more trannies near work."

Invisible Girls (song 2)

2005-04-21T13:25:00.000-07:00

Sweet Little Cheat:

I robbed a filling station west of Aberdeen
downline soldier on the riverboat queen
and as the sun went down
and we ran downtown
a pretty little lady so hard and mean
My sweet amy lee

it was her I was trying to find
She stole my Gretch 59
headin' to the beaches of Caroline
But she wasn't ready to go
No she wasn't ready to go

She was sitting on a barstool south of New Orleans
my pretty little amy lee
a downline refugee
and as the weather got warm
we ran in from the storm
and laid there in the sheets

it was her I was trying to find
She stole my Gretch 59
headin' to the beaches of Caroline
But she wasn't ready to go
No she wasn't ready to go

I saw her in a crowd on Marysville Sreet
Her hands on my lady when her eyes met mine
It was a Monday night
she had just been in a fight
She had a new tattoo
And she knew what to do
She just smashed my Gretch 59

it was her I was trying to find
She stole my Gretch 59
headin' to the beaches of Caroline
But she wasn't ready to go
No she wasn't ready to go

Pretty (Ugly Before)

2005-04-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like that corky kid from life goes on.

I wish that the blog below had much less of an Oedipal overtone to it.

You're Missing

2005-04-21T09:12:00.000-07:00

I was asked, in this book, what aspects of me, physical, character traits etc., I am still struggling to accept. At first I replied generally about physical flaws. The lazy eye not being included in that ; )
But quickly scratched it out because I'm not that chubby little kid from high school anymore. I've changed myself so that I am happy with how I look...Sans bad hair days and mornings given over to hangovers.

I wrote a few other things but basically whittled it down to fear. I'm afraid of two main things that are ultimately one thing. I'm afraid of failure in life. Failure to me means = living alone forever, working at a job that I hate and knowing I will never leave, always scrounging to get by, not knowing real happiness.
The other thing I'm afraid of is being left alone and having the only love in my life being that of God, because quite frankly it doesn't feel like enough right now. And I'm praying that it will change. I think that the fear of being left alone stems from my childhood. I was sick so much, in and out of the hospital quite a bit. When I was in I was there for week intervals. I never really belonged because I was always leaving. My mother was a saint and she would sleep in a chair next to the bed to keep me company even after visiting hours were over. But those days when I was alone in a hospital bed were agony. No one to talk with, no one to cry to, no one to say it is going to be alright. But after a while I became used to it. And since I never belonged in school I began to be treated like it and sought refuge where else, but alone in my room. When I was in Jr. High I died. My heart stopped and I stopped breathing. I was revived in the ambulance.
I can joke about it now (my parents still can't). But I know that while I'm fine with the idea of death, what still haunts me is dying without really living. I have so much good in me that I can share with someone else, but fear that for whatever reason, no one wants it. I can go around pretending that I have a heart made of steel and that every time someone drops out of my life it doesn't affect me. But I worry that they will keep leaving me. My life will not grow into anything more than that same night where my mother leaves me and I'm lying alone in a hospital bed in the darkness with only the soft glow of the TV and the hum of the fluorescent lights outside my room to keep me company. I think it is a pretty valid fear. And I'm afraid to let go of it because then it seems like it might be saying "it's ok to be alone and never find love." I don't think that's ok. And I have known loneliness and worry that I will find it comfortable again. I don't want to.
They [ these fears ] come together because I think life is about finding and cultivating love. And if I'm alone I will have found and cultivated nothing.
And sometimes after you pretend that things don't hurt you it becomes something you start to believe. And the second I start to feel something I get excited. I have longterm illnesses like asthma, allergies, etc., and an immune system that isn't as strong as everyone else's. I'm thin and cannot lift a lot. But my heart is working. My heart. It may be one part of me that is the strongest. I look foreword to the time(s) where I will give it a workout and show people how huge it is.

I don't mean for this to be a depressing entry, or to con people into being my friends. But this is the first time I've just put a lot of this stuff out there. I'm hoping that if I write about it or put it in front of me I'll see it easier and more clearly and maybe find that these fears are transparent.

Let it Ride (1st song)

2005-04-20T12:15:00.000-07:00

Heartbuilding:

Whiskey mouth and bottled regret
your body would help me forget
Crimes of days gone by
and tears you once cried

I'm not broken from bending
but find pain in the mending
bandaging up my heart
so it is like it was
working from the start

Travel like dust on dirty roads
I've never been compelled to go
Reliving the same movie
the sins of me

Gravel ground and scarred up lungs
breathing in pain, same old songs
The empty bottle to fill my heart
So it was like it was
working from the start

I'm not broken from bending
but find pain in mistaking
lust for love of the heart
like tears for water
rending my ventricles apart

I'm not broken from bending
but find pain in pretending
a bloodied up heart
so it is like it was
broken from the start

para toda vida

2005-04-20T06:11:00.000-07:00

This morning was rougher than usual. The dog was a pest...more than normal. I give him a certain amount of slack...you know, not pulling on him too much to keep him walking. If he wants to smell flowers and mosey a little I'm down but when he stops and starts heading backwards and pulls me, several times...well, he gets yelled at.
The on the drive into work it was like people were looking to get into an accident. It's enormously frustrating. I imagine that I will one day have a heart attack while driving due to stress levels and road rage. I was really good with it for a while, but when you get cut off everyday, and people drive like arses constantly it get's a little tough to keep a calm demeanor.
And then...well...the drive lead me here, to work.
I guess it also didn't help that I didn't get as much sleep as I was hoping.. I also got hit pretty hard a couple of times. It's been a while since we've had the hard hitting sessions. during the sabudo excercises one slipped right out of my hand....much worse than just tapping the floor. So I took a hard shot to the back. It stung and I can still feel it this morning. So I was pretty exhausted when I got home. And as soon as I walked in the door, the pooch was all antsy and wanted a walk...which I obliged of course...cause I'm a pushover. Then I decided to not go to sleep for whatever reasons. I feel like I should be staying up late, but never have a good reason.
Sorry for the bitch session....just had a bit of a rough start is all. Starting to feel a little better now though. Ugh...now I feel a little bad for writing all this. Oh well....it was a little cathartic.

I always read this illustrated quote on the inside of the Ray LaMontagne cd and find it quite intriguing.

"And you, liar, teller of tall tales: you trample all the Lord's commandments underfoot, you murder, steal, commit adultery, and afterward break into tears, beat your breast, take down your guitar and turn the sin into a song. Shrewd devil, you know very well that God pardons singers no matter what they do, because he can simply die for a song..."—The Last Temptation of Christ.

hold on as best you can

2005-04-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

Needed to take a walk to think about some things. If God has a plan for us all and we are to pray and meditate on what it is he wants us to do, and if we figure it out, will that make us happy? If we are on God's path will we be happy? Or will it be like that old adage where with wisdom comes sadness? How long must one be dealing with the bad seeds they've sewn? Is there a point where you can start clean?
I know I've made mistakes and have behavior that can be indulgent. But is realizing that and attempting a change enough?
Because I'm concerned with how I'm feeling now. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I don't want the pain of loss anymore. I want to be fulfilled. Maybe my idea of fulfillment and God's idea of fulfillment for me are two different things. But it is hard to shake what I feel that I want....what will make me happy.
I feel so confused and feel like I have only questions and stuttered sentences.
I want to be happy but worry that his plan for me involves more hardship. I was hoping that I had put my time in as a kid and teen years for the hardship stuff. Is it a test to see how much I can withstand? How long I can go until God's love is enough to fill me and I no longer seek another's?
See...nothing but questions. ARGH!

Cadence to Arms

2005-04-19T06:50:00.000-07:00

bitter and beautiful
the hurt and the healed
a song to win your heart
to rend your ventricles apart
------
I can't finish this without being overly specific. It was supposed to be the beginning of a song.
I heard someone sing and play guitar this weekend.
Some were songs of hurt and some were songs asking to be kissed.
Even if the lyrics didn't say as much.
She's the kind of person you just want to be closer to.
A magnetic heart.
She's the kind of person that makes someone spend an hour and a half at work trying to write the perfect line.
------
bloody emotions

foregone conclusions

2005-04-18T07:48:00.000-07:00

I forgot to do some things this weekend. One of them was important. The others were much less important. I am hoping I will get to make up for it this coming weekend.

This week will be the week I start reading the gospels. I can't keep putting it off or all attempts will have been in vein. Even though I feel things are better right now does not mean I don't need help...guidance. Perhaps it is now I need it most. When I am, what seems to be as far down as I can be I can always look up and know that I need to climb. But when I am at the top, there are so many directions to go.

I came here to talk

2005-04-15T11:06:00.000-07:00

Today is a good day. I found $10 in my jeans this morning form last weekend. I thought I was going crazy because I couldn't find it before. I resolved that I must've spent it. But alas, I didn't. Terribly exciting...I know!
I spent it on lunch. i have to stop eating those Chicken Out© chicken ceaser salad wraps. That stuff just kills me. I also decided to try mineral water. I'm not sure what the benefits are of it. So, the mineral water is probably the healthy part of lunch.
I feel like I need to eat lots of fruit and water and juice now.Or run or move, or have a beer. But I guess I'll have my fair share of walking the dog this weekend so that should be some low impact cardio I guess.

Am I really this boring? What the hell am I writing about? there is one thing I want to write about but am trying not to. Because if I do then it consumes me. Then I get neurotic and analyze everything. It's kind of nice not to for once..

I guess you could say that gold lamé capes are finally making the comeback I predicted a few years ago. I'm not sure if the publishing world is ready for them as part of business casual attire yet, but soon. I can't wait much longer. Also adult diapers...sort of like that guy from P-Funk.

Now, I'm not prejudice or anything but I'm starting to get thoroughly tired of all these white people in my neighborhood. I've already seen a few here and a few there. I mean, c'mon, it's like the neighborhood is going to hell. I should think about moving. Maybe Canada.

Also, on the forefront, a new band is being formed. I'm taking a break from my first band liquid pork. We did mostly acid jazz. We're still working on the name but we're definitaly trying to incorporate kazoos. Sort of a more contemporary Jethro Tull.

Fall with me

2005-04-14T11:00:00.000-07:00

He worries about tears and how heavy they could fall
His solution is to put his words in petals there to catch them.

His only fear is that what he is feeling is not the truth.
And that if it isn't that he fall quickly from it.
To live even a moment of a lie
Will hold a lifetime of regret

-----
This week is going so quickly. But today, TODAY is dragging.
Is it wrong to wear my pajamas to work? I mean, they have lapel's which could be considered business casual.

Note for anyone who is reading this: Do not use an electric stapler as a pillow. If your ear finds its way into the sight...look out jack!

bedshaped

2005-04-13T11:53:00.000-07:00

So I guess, after a little advice, i will start with the gospels. John, Mark, etc. See where that takes me. Reading the Bible from the beginning seems like quite a daunting task.
Last night was much needed. Part of the allure of kendo is the focus. Without trying I eliminate everything that is going on in my mind and focus on the activity at hand. It works wonders when I'm stressed or worried or anxiety ridden. For the two hours of intense physical activity the outside is completely gone. I've had so many thoughts swimming around in my head over the last couple days it was nice to take a break form them. I'm not sure I even realized how consumed I was.
Then at the bar I was to give the senior student instructor the plaque that I've been working on. He is working on it more at home and as a collaborative piece we will present it to our instructor. I was so stressed and worried that he wouldn't like it or would be dissappointed in it. Much to my surprise and relief he did. He said it was just what he thought of and how he wanted it to be. I was so happy and relieved. Now....NOW, I have no work for other people left to do. My drawing table is open and clean and ready to be used. Sa-weet!
I sent out my DC taxes today. I purposely waited to the last minute to send them because I hated the idea of forking over $2000 right away. I'd rather wait to the last possible second. I had them prepared a month or so ago and have even recieved my fed. return already. I hope that this is the last year I owe money.
We're getting estimates for upgrades here at work. We're going to have to get G5's. No way around it. So it is just a matter of time. We're honestly looking at around June-July to see it all happen. I hope I can wait that long.
It would be nice to be current here at work instead of working on sewing machines or whatever the hell type of etch-a-sketch this is.

Joan Jett of Arc

2005-04-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

emptied rooms and broken bones
once filled with spectres
of past pains and indulgences
of spoiled fruits
Haunted winds blowing through the fields
where skeletons dance no more
and lay silent with menacing grins
Rain falls silently to the rhythm
of the dying. the sins of me.

Did you feel my heart that night?
I forgot it was broken.

A Life of Possibilities

2005-04-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

Ugh...I had a coke with lunch today. Why did I do that? I'm really trying to give uo soda and drink only water, juice, coffee, and tea. Now, after drinking half the can I feel kinda gross. Why did I let myself get this? Probably because I'm a horrible person. I'm a disgusting human being. No...wait, that is just the sugar and caramel coloring and fructose syrup talking.
My work ethic is shot to hell right now too. I just don't feel like doing any work at all. Getting up and coming into work is more of like an exercise or some part of a frustrating but comfortable routine.
The Bible came in today. I'd like to take it out and look through it but won't since I'm at work.
See how bad it is, even my blogs are boring. I don't feel like writing this but it is more appealing than doing work.
When I used to work at the Gap I would knock down stacks of folded shirts just to refold them when I had nothing to do.
Maybe I can knock some computers over or pour the rest of this coke on the keyboard and see what happens.

Bastards on Parade

2005-04-11T12:59:00.000-07:00

It was a good weekend.

I'm currently investigating the Dropkick Murphys and Flogging Molly. I'm not a huge fan of Molly Hatchet so I hope there's no relation.

I thought it would be cool to ride on a float in a parade but found no parades available to take me to work this moring.So I drove here like an average person. Jeez!

It is not funny how peoples lives can so often mimic television shows or sitcoms. Or is it the other way around. Blemishes on the night of a date. Turning into a warewolf. Eating jello pudding pops.

I ordered a study Bible from Amazon.com. The New Oxford Annotated Bible I think it is called. I think it was a much better purchase than the new U2 book, which is supposed to be pretty good.

Walking Spanish

2005-04-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

This day is just not ending. Seriously. I'm sitting here blowing spit bubbles and replaying episodes of I Love Lucy in my head and back in reality I find myself still sitting here at work.

I have nostalgia for things that haven't even happenned yet.
I'm jealous of people whom her eyes fall upon
when I'm the one she should see.
How do you tell her that you are better than who ever else she sees?
Shouldn't she know?
Shouldn't she be able to see it...me?

How much unnesseccary surgery must I have before I look like the love child of Mr. T and Micky Rourke?

The wingspan comment earlier was a total lie. i just wanted to be looked at as cool. I have wingspan envy.

The main problem came today when I swallowed a small leprechaun. I mistook him for a large piece of cilantro or a thyme leaf and just threw him back like a shot. I heard a small scream as I swallowed him. Or her....don't want to assume. He's a feisty little bugger and drunk as all get out. So, needless to say I'm not feeling so great...what with swallowing a tiny person and all.

Writing inane crap is even too much right now.

I have to adopt a french accent to start seducing people. Or at least a creole accent Both are basically the same right?

A swift orderly change

2005-04-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

Oh good lord it's hot in here! My office or dept. design room is sweltering. Seriously....it is laborsome to even breath. Falling asleep seems to be the cool thing to do.
The weather struck me this morning as I walked to my car to start off to work. I could tell it was going to rain tomorrow...or is going to rain tomorrow. I guess there is an agreement problem. It was still...no wind, just lazy heat hanging around. But...I welcommed it as it is all going to end soon.
My clothes are wet with perspiration. I look like a fat greasy wap. And that is a problem because I'm a thin pale mic....or what is a epithet for Irish people? Potato Slingers? Famine Harvesters?
I have done nearly no work today because I don't feel like it. I did look on the AIGA DC website for jobs though. Some good stuff on there. Unfortunately no stripper or exotic dancer work like I was hoping.

I prefer to impress people with my material things and my huge wingspan...nearly 10 feet. I dance like a beached whale...which is pretty f-ing awesome.

I wish I could heal wounds through attention and care.
I wish I could mend cuts with words.
I wish I could let God in
I wish I could show her that scars are beautiful.
I wish she would let me show her these things

Saul Bellows is dead. I guess it isn't news worthy enough to compete with Dumbass Sawyer and Moron Fonda talking about some dumb vietnam thing that happenned three decades ago. Shame on you.

My back is stuck to the chair...or vice versa. Irregardless, I will be performing surgery to remove it shortly.

"umm...scalpel please"

Born inside a rain drop

2005-04-05T07:01:00.000-07:00

The sun is out today. I think I had one of those bouncy clouds or rocks inside me from the zoloft commercials. I have acid reflux so eating bouncy cloud rocks is not reccomended.
But he must've found his way out. It could be a her also. I don't want to impose gender roles on it and make any of its problems any worse.

I used to be pretty smart in college, read a lot of philosophy, was interested in the art community and talking about it. Now I've fallen away from so much of that. I don't feel smart anymore. I'm so into myself and my problems. I guess I should turn the tv off and pick up a book or newspaper.

This life

2005-04-04T07:29:00.000-07:00

is pointless, it feels sometimes. I usually can laugh about the time I died. But events in this life seem a lot more painful than falling backward and having your heart stop beating and everything going black. It was just like sleep. This feels more like torture sometimes. Maybe I'm in hell for the things I've done and this is punishment. I don't know. That is all I know right now...pain and confusion.

Bowl of Oranges

2005-04-01T13:02:00.000-08:00

I have an orange that has been sitting on my desk since this morning. It begs to be eaten. I'm concerned for its welfare, being that it has been sitting under the desk lamp also during that time. I hope it doesn't think that that is the sun. It should definitely be consumed soon. I would really begin to hate myself if the orange thinks I am lying to it.

My goal, contrary to popular belief, is not to ruin everything I touch.

I've edited the previous blog several times. I hope I sound less...umm....whiney.

I have a friend who is interested in running for Pope. I think she'll get her chance pretty soon. It is a non-denominational position right?

Johnny 99

2005-04-01T08:54:00.000-08:00

I'm a socially retarded. Love is a fucking farce.

A girl smiled at me last night at the bar...so I smiled back and then turned away. felt bad for not engaging in conversation. But I am so socially inept that and shy that I just froze and didn't know what to do.

I worry that I'm forever designated to play in the friends catagory.

Three black eyes and a broken heart
a stomach so twisted and full of knots
Falling in love with every woman I see
on the streets in this alien city

That time where you pushed me in traffic
and I lost my balance and almost got hit
you pulled me back and saved my life

That time in the sheets, I whispered in your ears
get out of my bed, with your eyes full of tears
You pulled me close and saved your life

When you spent my savings on heroin
and you lied to my face inside a grin
I wished you would leave to save my life

The tattoo of another woman
just to make you mad

and that fork in my thigh
from breakfast the other day

Hands all calloused and rough
I've spent all my life working
And trying to be tough
but with every breath and touch
you always save my life

It sucks that Mitch Hedberg is dead. He was very funny.

Worried Life Blues

2005-03-28T12:28:00.000-08:00

So I had written a fairly decent sized blog and then when I went to hit publish there was a error and I couldn't get it all back.

So basically what I wrote was a bunch of crap about feelings and how I feel better. Going home has a way of doing that. Then wrote a bit about meeting this girl who could possibly be one of the most disgusting human beings I've ever met. I really don't feel like revisiting her story.

Skip to one of the better parts of the weekend. I went to the Italian Market in south philly on saturday morning. It was incredible. It puts the DC farmers market and eastern market to f-ing shame! It didn't stink like a meat market. It smelled incredible. I bought some wine sausage and some sage and parmesan sausage from a family run business. Me mum came along and had orders some veal scallopini and the guy was a fucking artist with how he cut and hadeled the meat. Amazing!! Then to the cheese shop where you could sample anything and everything. They had a nice 10 yr old Ghouda. I bought some grated locatelli, some fresh goat cheese with herbs on top, and some sligthly sharp cheese that I can't remember the name of. I also found espresso...so I bought it and also stovetop espresso maker. That area is my romanticised view of Philly and makes me want to live there again...well not there again...but there. This is what open are markets were meant to be. Crowded and full of nice philladelphia feeling! The sausage smelled so good raw that I wanted to eat it all up.

I'm thinking about trying to find work in Philly. I always like going there and it makes me feel good. I feel like myself and almost tall there. DC makes me feel small. I worry that if I were to move back to Philly it would be like being defeated. You know...like I couldn't hack it in DC so I had to move home. But maybe no one cares and that is my own silly neurosis.

Been talking to an old(er) friend lately. I really enjoy hearing from her. I remember meeting her for the first time and finding her to be very interesting. However, I was a total mess. That party was probably one of the most embarassing times of my life. Yet I think I'm the only one stuck on it.

Life is back to normal. I'll be volunteering at some Doggie Expo out in Dulles on Sunday. Hopefully be able to pick up some nice treats for Mr. Regards. Gym and kendo and cooking. A simple life I guess. I'm working on being healthier all around, hoping that being physically healthy will also promote mental health...something I think I'm severly lacking in sometimes.

I've had ideas for writing songs and also been trying to get this damn plaque of my drawing table so I can get started on my own work. I'll be fuckin' thrilled when I don't have to do art for other people anymore.

10,000 Motherfuckers

2005-03-28T10:55:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling much better than the last blog. I realized it sounded a bit like a breakdown. I guess it was a bit. I also told that girl that since there couldn't be a spark if we met that there is no point in being friends. I think that officially makes me a huge fucking jerk. Part of me is upset by it. But I also think that my presense in her life was no more than a laugh every now and then. That hurts more to think that way. But I guess the length of mourning is equal to the length of the relationship. We didn't really know each other and we only had a few conversations so it took a day or so and I'm fine with it..

I went home over the weekend. I met this girl who is perhaps one of the worst people I've ever met in my life. She leads a lifestyle where she surrounds herself with people who are theives and rapists. She was raped while she was passed out and said with a smile on her face "oh well, I probably would've slept with him if I was awake." She doesn't have any problem with what happenned and also was proud of how much pot she smokes, which is about every day. I neeeded a drink after meeting her/

The weekend was restfull. I came back feeling better about things. I alwayse seem to feel a bit taller coming back from PA. DC makes me feel small. But if I were to go back to PA it could feel like I'm going back...like I haven't doene well. I want to succeed and feel like if I can't thrive in fucking DC that I won't be able to succeed anywhere. Succeed means having acareer that I can be proud of and finding someone who I can share myself with. Now, that may have nothing to do with DC but I beleive I should be able to find that person.

I feel like I'm failing right now at my life.

Well, I had more to write but now I forget most of it.

I saw my first Woody Allen movie this weekend. It was hilarious. I guess I'm gonna have to go back and watch all his older movies.

So for now it's just another lonely day

2005-03-24T12:53:00.000-08:00

Not really surprised....or at least I shouldn't be I guess. This girl I've been talking with and emailing and texting has let up a bit recently. She seems cute from the picts I've seen and she has tattoos and loves art and listens to great music. I was hoping that once we met up there might be a spark.
But, like most girls/women I've met or began friendships with since coming down here I've learned one thing. Someone letting up in communication is not just a sign of business or being sick. It is because where they once were single, they are now "in a relationship."
Now far be it from me to say anything about me being crushed by this even though I'm a little dissappointed, because I'm not a freak and we haven't really met.
But this is just another link in the ever growing chain of people who who treat me like this. It's a little tough to take. I'm not sure why no one has any interest in me beyond simply amusement. Or a way of wasting their time. You are around to joke with, to talk with, to make plans with, but once someone else enters into their lives you are thrown away like garbage. Which...is how I feel right now. Not because of her...but because of her actions as well as all the others.
I don't like this town or many of the people. I'm tired of having a broken heart. I'm tired of being alone in this fucking town where no one gives two shits about you unless you wear a fucking brooks brothers suit and a stupid goddamn pink polo shirt with the collar turned up. Do I have to dress and act like everyone else in order to find someone. Because that is what I want. I want to find someone. I don't want to drown in the seas of lonliness or stranded upon it's shore.
This is why I have so much contempt and saddness for others. So many people treat others like garbage. PEOPLE AREN'T FUCKING GARBAGE!

eh...what's the point. It's easier and easier to just stop talking to people too for me now. Instead of saying that I'm happy that they're in a relationship, I can just not do anything. Inaction is easier than action.

God! I was feeling so good and then this shit happens. I want to scream from the fucking mountain tops that I don't want to be alone anymore. But it won't do any good. Nothing does any good. I feel useless and alone. At least it's a familiar feeling.

The Transcandental Waterfall

2005-03-18T13:10:00.000-08:00

I had the kendo test last night. Man was I nervous as all get out. Not to mention that I have been sick since I've come back from NYC a few weeks ago. I was sweating like a fiend for the 35 minutes that it took. I was asked to leave. When I was called to return the sword was covered in a towell. If, upon unrolling, the sword remained out of it's scabbard by 4" then I didn't pass. If it was sheathed, then i passed. I was so exhausted from it that I didn't really care either way. I mean I wanted to pass of course....but I was just so relieved it was over with. I passed....much to my surprise. I am now a student instructor. Another student informed me shortly after that it was basically unanimous. There were things that I messed up on or didn't do as well as I could have but weren't bad enough to warrant not passing. I was told also that that I've never seemed so focused. Which could be true. I forgot about anyone else in the room other than myself and the other instructors.
So It's actually weird to have this in my mind and life. I think it has been a while since I've had some sort of accomplishment like that. It feels really good.

I had to go through a lot of ceremonial procedure. I was told politely to due the basics which consisted of the 16 samurai cuts, the 6 kendo cuts (with live blade and wooden sword or bokken) as well as the 6 blocks, the blocks and counters, two sword drawing, two sword blocks, two sword blocks and counters. I also had to do the sabudo drills. The sabudo's are two wooden swords that are very heavy that are held at the very ends with arms fully extended. Four sets of movements are done going up and down the floor. It kills my wrists and forearms. That was the area I didn't do so hot in. The sweat was making them slip out of my hands. I wasn't allowed to drop them. I hit the floor once...which was ok for the test. But normally in class if it hits the floor, you have to get disciplined which means a hit to the chest or back. I also had to perform the sword dance which is essentially moving in such a way that your sword and you are one and you react to the music being played. It also involves a lot of ceremony and tradition. However, for such a brief display I had to pretend there was music. The whole thing lasted about 35 min.

Going back to the gym tonight. Should be interesting. I'm also now taking vitamins, protein shakes, and a pill that is for energy, weigtht loss, hightens my metabolism. It is safe as long as I take it correctly. Which means basically taking it at the appropriate times around meals, drinking a lot of water, and maintianing a healthy diet.

In the studio this weekend. I'm hoping it will be productive.

You're the one for me

2005-03-14T07:58:00.000-08:00

I watch Good Morning America nearly everyday before I leave for work. I usually see a good 30 min. of it while I'm ironing a shirt or drinking coffee or both. I enjoy the light bantor of most of the hosts such as Robin Roberts, Charlie Gibson, and even occasionally Tony Perkins. However, there is one person who's voice makes me want to vomit. That voice belongs to Diane Sawyer. The blond headed bimbo who is married to that Angels in America jerk! I truely believe she has the mental capacity of a five year old and cannot stand on her own...mostly because she is a drunk.
Everytime I see her not at her desk she is leaning on something, or holding onto something. She was doing some ridiculous piece of crap journalism last week or so and she was swimming in an aquarium with a bunch of gummi sharks or something and she had someone else down there with her that was holding her arm for the entire time. She has trouble doing simple activies and seems to not be able to manipulate moderns tools and utensils. I think she may be deaf or ahve an inner ear problem that is causing such a drastic off-balance-ness. I'm sure she had a maid to do all of the housework for her and mother bird to chew her food and spit it in her mouth. Do you think she has to be told to breath?
Everytime she speaks it is with either hallmark-esque crappulence or a sentence that sounds like the mutterings of a retard. She regularly says things that don't make any kind of sense and sound like she vomited up words. Texas regularly executes people like her yet she is allowed to live and make several dollars per show? I mean, I know Texas isn't the model of justice and morality, much as the president would have us believe otherwise, but she should really think about visiting!
With all of that it just brings us to the utter trite that are her stories. It's all hard hitting stories about celeb brakeups and plastic surgery. WTF? Let's not forget she went to Iraq for something. I think it was more like the episode of News Radio where Jimmy James acts the part of an eccentric billionare and decides to navigate a hot air balloon around the world when he's really just in front of a green screen the entire time trying to fool everybody. Diane Sawyer is the journalist equivalent to lettuce and we should terminate all life support and force that bitch to walk and breathe on her own.

A Response To Greed

2005-03-11T11:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't been writing so much for the past few weeks. Doing work at work seemed to be a little more important. But things have slowed down quite a bit and I have an extra few minutes to waste.
I've written to so many people about the changes at work so I don't feel like writing it all over again. Suffice it to say that most of what I wanted to happen has happened and that will ultimately result in a better more creative workplace. Again, only time will tell.
Outside of work things are going well. My kendo test was postponed due to a deathin the family of the senior most student instructor. That gives me more time to practive the sabudo's, which are the main thing that I'm afraid of. Those things are horrible.
I've talked to some friends about the new feelings I've had lately. Again, I don't really feel like writing all of this stuff that I've been talking to people about for a while. But, I just have been feeling a lot lighter these days. Not bogged down in the negative feelings and emotions of so many past events anymore.
I purchased an iPod a few weeks ago. That is a fun little thingy. I like being able to listen to whatever the hell I want at any given moment. I also purchase a new external hardrive. My powerbook only had 30 gb space. What the hell?
It just occurred to me that I may get a tattoo this weekend. It seems like a very low key weekend and I could use something to do. We'll see what and how I feel about it tomorrow.
This is just rambling. I guess I just felt like writing something. I've been thinking more about writing songs. I have the musical ability to write that part but I've been thinking more and more about writing lyrics. They end up being in the style of one band or another but I guess that might be one way to start. Just like art. If you start basing a lot of work on stuff already out there then eventually you will start making your own work. Does that make any sense?
I've also been paying bills like a fiend. In the next week or two I will be just about credit card free!!! That will be a nice feeling.

Rock of Ages

2005-03-02T08:22:00.000-08:00

I was informed my kendo test will be next Thursday. I was told last evening at my regular Tuesday class. However, rather than being excited about it, I'm terribly stressed. Also my performance in class was less than good or even mediocre. So facing next thursday with a night of class that just proves how flustered I can get when I'm off make me very worried that I will not do well. I don't want to let other people down nor myself. I like doing well and really hate ddoing poorly at those things which I know I can do well at.
It is very frustrating.
I don't like when all of the attention is on me either. I like to do well in anonimity. But I've taken martial arts tests in the past and passed many and even failed a few also. So, I guess it really shouldn't be something to stress about. I just really need to practice in the next week. I need to be ready.
Last night was a frustrating one. I almost completely forgot how to block and counter. My draw with my new sword is slow and even those younger than me in the class or beating me. My balance was way off. Now I know that a lot of this had to do with me being exhausted going in and having my mind and myself being just so stressed out over a lot of things. I probably should've called oout from class. It can become futile to try and do physically and mentally grueling activies when you're exhausted and probably not the best idea to do so when using live blades or at the very least very heavy sabudo's.
My stress level is plataued right now. Still high, but not climbing!

Silver Mermaids

2005-02-03T13:25:00.000-08:00

So here I am. Sitting at my desk, at work, listening to some Ryan Adams, watchng the snow, and writing back to the most recent crush email. She sent it just as Shadowlands started to play. It was an odd feeling to have all that emotional stimuli. I almost wish it didn't happen, because now I feel sad because that feeling shouldn't be there. It is a pointless feeling and wish it would go away.
It's still snowing and they are really big flakes.

I'm doing well, despite being tired so much. I worry that I am doing something wrong in my life which is why I'm so tired.

The snow doesn't help my lonliness. But doing more and sitting less does. I'm also reading a lot more.

Maybe home to eat some good noodles and see a movie. My brain and I are tired of putting up with people.